But I realized recently during a meditation that I have never faced my insecurity, I have never sat with it, named it. I wrote in a post not long ago about how I realized that I had not named some of my fears and anxieties and therefore they still had great power over me despite more globally recognizing my fears and having compassion for them, etc. That was too abstract. My insecurity I have avoided altogether. I have been aware of it’s nature, but I have not meditated on it.
Note that I speak of my insecurity in the singular. I understood that I have one basic insecurity ... not being loved, not being wanted ... which is so powerful that it has driven not only a vast array of fears and anxieties, but has made my psyche so insecure in general that it has impacted things, such as feelings about my health or financial wellbeing, that it has no direct connection to.
And so when I realized this I sat with my insecurity. And I had great compassion for it, realizing full well where it came from, all the negative experiences I had while growing up and as an adult. But I said to it, as I say to all my thoughts/feelings when they arise, that it is a reflection of past experience. It has no inherent existence. It is an ingrained part of my ego, but it is not my true self. I also know now that despite my negative experiences with family and others, the reality of the past is that I was always loved and always wanted by those that mattered most because I offered them joy and helped relieve their suffering.
Now I am living in the present, this is my only reality, all else is thought. And again, I am seeking guidance now from my true Buddha nature, in touch with my inner strength and with faith that if the future will take care of itself, all will be well regardless what life throws my way, regardless how far I stray, because I will always return to my true Buddha nature, aware of the emptiness of all five skandhas, and thus experience all things directly, with dispassion, free of labels, free of the intervention of my thinking mind and thus free of fear and anxiety, doubts and confusion, anger and negativity, able to make decisions that are in my best interest. And I will always experience joy and love ... I will never be alone ... because I will offer others joy and help relieve their suffering regardless of my situation.
The other thing I realized during that meditation is that being at peace and content, happy, is my .. is everyone’s ... birthright. We were all born with our true Buddha nature inside us and intact, and it is still there. By walking the path, I have made a choice not to allow what the world has done to me through my learned experiences to rob me of my birthright. So long as I am aware, I will always choose not to follow the lead of my thinking mind and instead focus on the reality I know to be true, free of the intervention of thought.
In the days since, I have sat with my insecurity as part of my meditation. Rather then running from it, I have become comfortable with it. It is part of me and indeed a cherished part of me because, aware of the things (I am speaking globally, not specifically) that caused my insecurity to develop, I have great compassion for the innocent, happy child that is no more.