ThePracticalBuddhist.com - The Practical Buddhist Blog - Practical Advice on Integrating the Practice of Buddhism in Contemporary Life

Memory - Don’t Trust It

1/22/2019

Memory is a powerful agent in our lives. It affects how we feel about ourselves and others. It impacts life decisions we make. It is always there, either upfront or in the background.

Unfortunately, our memory is not to be trusted for several reasons. First, what we tend to remember are negative things. We may have had a generally positive experience, but if there was one negative aspect, that is what we remember about the experience. It blots out all the positive.

Why does memory act like that? As an evolutionary, biological function, the role of memory was to remember the things that we did that were dangerous so as not to repeat those activities … like putting our hand in a fire.

But memory has morphed into something that is not protective of us and instead is destructive. It focuses predominantly on the negative and so warps our memory of the past. Which has a profound impact on our self-image and our narrative story. (See my post, “Reclaiming the ‘story’ of your life.”)

What makes this power of our memory even more dangerous to our wellbeing is that it is typically false. Why? Because our memory is composed of our mind’s take on things that we experience. And since the mind sees everything through its lenses of feelings and perceptions, it is not a reflection of reality. Whether the memory is good or bad, it is a product of the ego-mind and therefore a distorted picture of what actually took place.

This is the same thing we know about our learned experience. It is a product of the ego-mind, rather than a dispassionate appraisal by our heart, and so it is the building block of our suffering, our samsara.

Since memory arises pretty much of its own accord, it is not something we usually seek out, how do we free ourselves from this destructive force? Every time memory arises, you have to ask, “Is this really what happened? If I looked at this through the eyes of my true Buddha self, my unwounded heart, would I see it differently?”

This is not an easy exercise. It requires that you be present and that you are able to review past events objectively, separate from your emotions. But even if you are not able to see things as they really were, at least knowing that memory is suspect and to not follow its lead will be helpful to you. Otherwise you will repeat the same pattern of behavior over and over and you will suffer.

Reflecting on 75 Years

1/12/2019

Yesterday was my 75th birthday. Usually I treat my birthdays just like any other day, although a cause for some celebration. I have always felt good about birthdays, as opposed to the way many people feel. I’ve never felt myself “growing old.”

But at 75 years, it does seem to warrant some reflection. I have lived through 3/4 of a century. That sounds like a very long time, and yet it doesn’t seem long at all really. Yes, my childhood, even my 30s seem like a long ways back, but not 3/4 of a century. That concept is hard to wrap my head around.

Our concept of time seems to vary depending on whether it is personal experience or whether it's historical. When it’s personal, we don’t feel like we are part of history, that we are part of the march of time. And yet we surely are. If I think of all the periods I’ve lived through … Vietnam, AIDS … to name just a few, I have been witness to a lot of history. But I don’t feel like I’ve been part of this vast moving scope of humanity and the cosmos, ala watching an American Experience episode.

The other thing is that on reflection, I’m aware that I almost feel distant from this historical period, probably because I don’t or didn’t feel part of its sweeping movement. And I don’t feel like it’s a period I’m particularly proud to have been part of. Quite the contrary, it has been a period filled with pestilence of one sort or another, whether war or disease or various forms of inhumanity and dysfunction.

We tend to look back at past epochs with nostalgia, at the great things, the transformational things that happened. Even the disasters are remembered with nostalgia, again think of American Experience.

WWII is always held up as something that people were very proud to be part of, which is great. But was WWII uplifting? Not really. It wasn’t fought to save the Jews … hardly. African-Americans were segregated and treated shamefully in the armed forces. It was entered into by the American leadership because they wanted to save Europe, and ultimately save us; so it was largely self-interest.

But for most people it was an exercise in patriotism, answering the call of the country. And since almost everyone was involved in one way or another and everyone pulled together, it was something people honestly could feel proud about. In this sense it was uplifting … people were ready to sacrifice even their lives for a larger cause. There was a sense of community.

The cataclysmic events of my historic period had no such upside. Some would say that within the gay community AIDS had an upside, but that was I feel very limited; there was far more fear and distrust than caring for your fellow man.

Even the often-cited coming together of the country after 9/11 only lasted perhaps a few days. The potential was possibly there, but the people were never asked to sacrifice, other than their privacy. The main drumbeat from the government was one of fear, not duty. The period’s wars impacted mostly our disadvantaged class who enlisted as a way out of their dead-end lives. Yes, some enlisted out of a sense of patriotism, but they were isolated in our society. For the returning troops there was little support at home, not even among those who supported the wars.

When one looks at these cataclysmic events, past and present, one sees clearly how our sense of community, of our all being fellow citizens of our country, has deteriorated if not vanished. That is not good for America. And that is the root cause why I feel distant from the period in which I have lived, why I don’t feel part of its sweeping currents.

But aside from these cataclysmic events, life is not really different now than in the past, viewed objectively. There have always been and will always be bright spots, inspirational things that man has achieved, random acts of kindness, but they always occur in the larger context of overwhelming misfortune, suffering, and pestilence.

Truly such is life, and all I or anyone can do is to live his life as well as he can by offering himself and others joy. To the extent that there have been bright spots over the millennia in the midst of so much suffering, it has been because of those individual spots of light. I have certainly been blessed to have received such light and love from many people throughout my life.

And I have been blessed to have found Buddhism and by committing myself to walking the path have been able to more consistently offer myself and others joy. The truth of the old proverb is revealed: better to light a candle than curse the darkness. That is our purpose in life, our only purpose.

Why Is Being Grateful Such a Challenge?

1/8/2019

Over the years, it has always surprised me how hard it is to be naturally grateful, that is without thinking of it. Regardless how peaceful or happy a state I was in, somehow the feeling of gratefulness didn’t come through. Let alone feeling grateful for just being alive, or the light and air, when otherwise I was facing all sorts of challenges in life.

Now when you ask yourself what you have to be grateful for, it is usually relatively easy to make up a list, even when one is quite upset over life. But that’s different. That’s not really being grateful. That’s reminding yourself that there are things you should be grateful for, even though you’re not! Nevertheless, having a gratefulness practice as part of your day is not a bad thing, because it does remind one.

But how to achieve the spiritual state where one is naturally grateful? The key … surprise, surprise … is to be free of your ego-mind, to be fully present, to embrace all aspects of your being and experience. But as with many things, there are stages one experiences on this path.

My experience was that even though I was in a state of peace and happiness, nothing pushed my buttons, I did not get agitated by events, and so in that sense had made grate progress on being free of my ego-mind and ending my suffering, I was aware that I was not fully present. It’s not that my mind was somewhere else, thinking of something else, it’s just that I had what I’ve described as a gray cloud hanging over me. And so while I was aware of the beauty around me, for example, I was not present and I was not grateful.

It was only when I became aware that something I had experienced as a child had closed me off to the world, and embraced that fear (see my post, “Have You Ever Heard of Narcs?”), and so was open to being open and really experiencing everything that the present moment had to offer, that I found that I felt grateful naturally. I didn’t have to ask myself or think about what I was grateful for, I just was. And I took pleasure in each passing moment.

Now I have to be honest and say that I am not in this state of bliss 24/7, but I experience this state many moments during the day and am profoundly grateful for the smile and light I feel within myself during these moments. As always, walking the path is an incremental experience.

Dispassion Does Not Mean Wtihout Feeling

1/1/2019

In my post, “Dispassion - Unlocking the Doors,” I made the point that dispassion does not mean that one is a cold fish, devoid of personal feelings, emotionally uninvolved. What it does mean is that one is free of the labels, the emotions and judgments of the ego-mind and attachment to them. And so the mind rests undisturbed; one is at peace,

And yet five years later, I have discovered that in my intent to embrace all aspects of my being and experience and so experience all things directly, with dispassion, free of labels, free of my ego-mind, thus ending my suffering, I have not only freed myself from the emotions of my ego-mind, I have unintentionally repressed the expressions of feeling and loving-kindness that come from my heart. So for example, I may say to some one that I feel your pain, or I understand, but I say those words with no feeling. And so the person I’m trying to comfort feels I haven’t heard them at all; that I’m not there for them.

When a friend would say to me, “You’re not there,” “I have no one to talk to,” I didn’t understand what he meant. And when I asked him to explain, did not get a helpful response.

But the other day, when I was describing my emotional reaction to something very moving in a play I had seen, my voice caught, and the person said, “That’s what is missing from the way you respond to me when I’m upset.” I still didn’t really understand. I knew from past experience that responding with my emotions in a somewhat over-the-top way didn’t work.

But when I meditated the next morning, I saw very clearly what had happened. I had not only shut down my ego-mind’s emotions, but in the process I had repressed the feelings and loving-kindness that flow from my heart. I trust that with this clarity, the loving-kindness and feeling that is in my heart will be evident in the future; I will not sound bloodless.

As an aside, I am so very grateful for my meditation practice. I cannot tell you how often something that has occurred and puzzled me the previous day becomes clear during my meditation. The clarity with which I’m able to see myself and the world around me is a true gift of my practice.

Problem - NOT!

12/26/2018

We are constantly beset by what we view as and what we label as “problems.” Life is full of them. Our reaction to these problems is either to view them as something we must do battle with, something we must overcome. or as something unsurmountable and we retreat.

Neither reaction is healthy, is in our best interest. To retreat usually leads to viewing oneself as a failure and to putting whatever goal we had off our list. To view life as a constant battle creates a very negative energy disguised a positive one. It is wearing. And leads to endless frustration.

A wise person once wrote that if you view something as a problem, it will be a problem. This gets back to the habit-energy of labeling things as opposed to experiencing things directly, with dispassion. It is a question of attitude, which is central to our efforts to end our suffering.

If we open up our hearts to embrace all aspects of our being and experience (see my post, “The Heart’s Embrace”) then nothing offends. Then when we are faced with a situation, with a set of facts, we will view it with dispassion and will not react to it with emotion but respond with reason. This creates a much greater likelihood of our making a decision regarding how to proceed that will be beneficial to us. Emotions cloud our judgment, make it impossible to exercise good judgment.

If we view the situation with dispassion, we may even view the situation as an opportunity rather than a problem. As an opportunity to develop ourselves either spiritually or practically.

Even if we end up taking the same action, regardless how we approach the situation, the difference in attitude will have a profound difference on our psychic state and our stress levels. If we respond with a positive or neutral attitude, we will be at peace, not attached; if it happens great, if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. But if we react with emotion and view it as a problem, then we will experience constant stress and frustration.

Thankfully if we are aware, if we are walking the path with discipline, the choice is ours. We can either react to things as a problem or we can respond to things with dispassion.

The Wisdom of Now

12/22/2018

We’re always thinking or worrying about the future because we want the future to be different from, or the same as, the present. This leads to endless frustration and anxiety because we have no way to insure what the future will bring us, it is unknowable. We can make great plans and follow them through to the letter, but that doesn’t insure anything. We also have no way of knowing if the future happened the way we want, would we be happy. We think we would be, but that’s all it is … thought. And the ego-mind’s thought at that.

And of course it leads to dissatisfaction with the present, which means that we can find no peace or happiness in the present. Because we want something different that we don’t have and don’t know if we will have. Or because we want things to be the same and we can have no assurance that they will be.

We are like a gerbil in the wheel. We have set ourselves up for never-ending samsara.

There is only one way out. To accept that things are the way they are because its just the way it is and release all desire that your life be different in any way right now at this moment. Part of that is accepting that we have no control over what the future will bring. See my posts, “It’s Just the Way It Is,” and “Releasing All Desire - II.”

The centrality of this action or attitude to ending our suffering is clear from the Buddha’s teaching of the Four Noble Truths, the Serenity Prayer, and the Acceptance Prayer. There is no end of suffering without accepting your life as it is right now.

When the Buddha set the wheel of the dharma turning and taught the Four Noble Truths, he taught the cause of our suffering is our craving … and what is craving but wanting to have what we don’t have, wanting our life to be different in some way from the way it is right now.

The first part of the Serenity Prayer says, “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the serenity to just be.” And what are the things we cannot change … the way things are right now at this moment.

And what does the Acceptance Prayer say? “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I will find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is at this moment.”

As I have noted often in my writing, this does not mean that one doesn’t plan for changing one’s life in some way in the future. But it does mean that one doesn’t attach to that plan or happening; that one approaches it with the attitude, “If it happens, great. If it doesn’t, that’s ok too.” As a result, one doesn’t obsess about the plan or the future.

Since we are humans, an important part to accepting our life as it is right at this moment is knowing what we can change … which is how we relate to ourselves and to the world around us … and that is what will truly end our suffering. That is freeing us from our ego-mind.

And when we are able to do that, when we are one with our heart, then we know that we will be ok, we will be safe, regardless what life throws our way because we have returned home to our heart, to our true Buddha nature, and so are at peace and happy. We will have opened up our heart and embraced all our being and experience, past, present, and future (see my post, “The Heart’s Embrace). And so we are able to say truthfully and deeply, “I am at peace, content, and happy right now and will always be in the future, regardless.”

This is the wisdom of now. When our mind rests undisturbed, we are open to receiving all that the present moment has to offer, be grateful, and take pleasure in each passing moment. True faith pervades our mind. We are at peace. This is nirvana because, as the Heart Sutra says, our minds are free of fear and obstructions and so we are free of fear and obstructions.

Speaking the Truth

12/15/2018

In my post, “The Distinction Between Pain and Suffering,” I make the important point that while we all experience pain … that is reality and inescapable … we experience mental suffering because the way our ego-mind reacts to the pain, to our life experience. Thus the way to end our suffering is to, as it says in the Serenity Prayer, change the things we can, which is how we relate to ourselves and the world around us. We cannot change the past, we cannot change what was done to us, but we can change how we relate to those facts. This was the basic lesson the Buddha imparted when he started turning the wheel of the dharma.

However, it is also important in ending our suffering, in healing ourselves, to acknowledge what we have experienced, especially abuse of any kind. As I said in my post, “Healing Your Inner Child - Healing Your Wounded Heart,” it is important to acknowledge how we were wounded as children, to speak the truth to ourselves and not be in denial. To place responsibility where it should be placed … usually with our parents. To allow our inner child to say what it is feeling and what it needs. And to love our inner child unconditionally.

It is important, however, while realizing this truth to not get into the blame game. Our parents, or whoever did us harm, were people like all others who were programmed by their life experiences to act and react in certain ways. No one is a free agent with free will that covers the full gamut of options. What free will we have lies in a very narrow range within our programming.

And they, like all people, suffered. A monk once taught me that whatever pushes your buttons, whatever harm has been done to you, is a reflection of someone’s suffering. One can’t hate someone who suffers; one can only have compassion.

This is not to forgive. This is not to absolve responsibility. Each person is responsible for his actions, even though they are the actions of his ego-mind over which he has little control.

Thus we can be forthright, speak the truth about the harm that was done us, but not be consumed with hatred.

How to Protect Yourself against Psychic Attack

12/7/2018

There are many videos on the internet about how to protect yourself from psychic attack, whether it be from a narcissist or some other ill-meaning person. I have never seen a video, however, about protecting yourself from a psychic attack from your own ego-mind.

While many people suffer from external attacks, we all suffer from attacks from our ego-mind. While the nature of the attacks are somewhat different … external psychic attacks seek to disable or weaken you; internal attacks ostensibly are supposed to show strength or protect you but in fact also weaken you and cause you suffering … they both come from a dark place and disable us by playing on our emotions, the habit-energies formed by our life experiences. If you’ve ever been or seen someone in the grip of fear or anger and experienced a melt-down, think about the similarities.

How you protect yourself from both sources of psychic attack is the same … you free yourself from the control of your ego-mind and instead go to your heart and be one with its positive energy of light and love. This sets up a virtual forcefield that protects you. You abide in your strength. Many videos talk about this as changing the level of your inner vibrations from low (in the control of emotions and self-doubt) to high (in touch with your heart’s light and love).

Neither of these steps is a simple one, by any means. It requires great discipline. But it is possible. I have written about this process in numerous posts. See “Changing Your Life by Changing the Direction of Your Energy Flow,” “The Heart’s Embrace,” “Why Is It So Hard to Be Free of Your Ego-Mind?”, “Not Me - Peeling Off the Layers of the Ego-Mind.”

What keeps people from following through with these steps. Everyone who walks the Buddhist path is doing so because he or she wants to end their suffering. But many want to have their cake and eat it to. They want to end their suffering and still hold on to most of their habit-energies, their desires, their perspectives. And that just isn’t possible, and so they never form the intent to truly and completely free themselves from the control of their ego-mind. And without that intent, one can only make limited progress.

The dysfunction of the world around us is great. Our ego-mind is very powerful and deeply-rooted. To walk the path in the face of these challenges requires great discipline.

How to Find Your True Self, Your Heart

11/30/2018

Someone said to me recently that they don't know what their heart is, and so they can't go to it or sit with it. I understand perfectly.

I have always believed since I was exposed to the teachings of the Buddha that we are all born with the true Buddha nature inside us, that that is our true essence, our heart, our true self. But although I had absolutely faith in that, I wasn’t able to find a way in my meditation or otherwise to connect with that true self, with my heart.

And so for years, I really didn’t make much progress on the path. I knew that the feelings and perceptions of my ego-mind were not my true self, they were just a product of the mind and caused me suffering, but I had nothing else to turn to. My true Buddha self was not palpable.

Then one morning when I was meditating, the image of me as a smiling toddler from a photo my mother had recently sent came to me. And I knew when I saw that beaming, innocent face, smiling for absolutely no reason other than just being, that that child was my true Buddha self, the manifestation of my unwounded heart. And I cried.

That connection was a turning point for me. The concept of my true Buddha self, of my heart, was palpable. Looking into those eyes, I saw light, love, faith and trust, and joy.

But although I had this experience, it would be many years before I was able to make use of this discovery in my practice. Why? I really can’t say. I guess I just wasn’t far enough along in my practice to apply the lessons of my heart.

Then one day, when I was walking and saw things that disturbed me, I opened up my heart to embrace all aspects of my experience (“the heart’s embrace” practice), and all of a sudden, I felt I was that smiling toddler, and I smiled at the world around me and said, “Hello.” He just came to me. After that point, as I’ve written, I’ve often either conjured up my smiling toddler when I needed to pull myself back from the reaction of my ego-mind, or he began coming to my aid when I needed him, holding my hand.

And so I strongly recommend that you find a photo of yourself as a smiling toddler. Or if you don’t have one, try and remember such a photo or what you were like as a toddler, before your life experiences separated you from your light.

If you just cannot picture yourself as a smiling toddler, then while you’re meditating try doing Thich Nhat Hanh’s mouth yoga exercise. Gently relax your facial muscles and smile. Although done purposefully, if done properly this is a real smile, not forced. It come from within. You will feel yourself lighten; emotions will dissipate.

While you’re in that space, visualize yourself seated on a meditation cushion dressed in a white robe. Feel the peace that is within you; your mind rests totally undisturbed. Visualize a white or golden aura emanating from you, the manifestation of the positive energy that is within your heart … the light, love, faith, trust, compassion, humility, gratefulness, joy, contentment, strength, courage, and wisdom. Just sit with that for at least 10 minutes, observing and absorbing.

Whether by visualizing your smiling toddler or your aura, you have made contact with your true self. How different it is from the dark world of your ego-mind with its fears, anxieties, negative emotions, and doubts. Let your true self literally lead you away from the dark world of your ego-mind back to the world of light that is your birthright. Visualize your true self extending a hand to you, take it, and let your true self lead you to the “other shore” where the physical you and your true self are one.

My Road to Peace

11/26/2018

On this Thanksgiving, I was most grateful for the spiritual path I am on because it is only that path that allows me to experience peace and happiness. I could have no end of wonderful things in my life, and that thankfully has indeed been my experience in life, but if I were still in the grip of my mind I would not be at peace and not happy. Instead I would be, as I was for most of my life, full of fear, worrying about the eternal “what ifs,” insecure. Forget about the facade I presented; inside things weren’t pretty.

So on this Thanksgiving holiday, I want to share with you what has brought about this transformation. I and others have written many books on this subject and I certainly have written many posts, but I thought it would be helpful to concisely state my experience.

I was first introduced to Buddhism by a friend 25 years ago. I recognized immediately that there was something very different here and as I learned the teachings of the Buddha I had total faith. They made sense; they explained why the world and my life were the way they are. But it has taken decades of disciplined, daily meditation and practice, together with the teachings I received from monks and books and the daily spiritual conversations I have with my partner, to be able to know these spiritual truths from within and so bring me to the spiritual place that I am now.

And what is that place? Briefly stated there are several components. First, I know that what is most important to me is peace and happiness. Nothing else my mind or culture urges on me has any value without peace and happiness.

Second, I know that all my mental suffering is a function of my mind … its emotions, perceptions, cravings, attachments, doubts, etc. Not the actual things that I experience. Of course I experience pain, physical or mental, but it is what my mind does with that pain that causes me suffering rather than being able to experience it with dispassion. The Buddha said, “If it causes you suffering, it is not you, it is not yourself, for yourself would not cause you suffering," and so I have said to all these feelings and perceptions, “Not me!” I have disassociated myself from my mind (the ego judgmental part). It is not my true self.

Third, what then is my true self? It is my heart, my true Buddha nature. The Buddha taught that we are all born essentially perfect, with the Buddha nature inside us. Actually the mystical traditions of all 3 Abrahamic faiths … Kabbalah, Sufism, and Gnosticism … all teach that we were born with the divine essence in us, that is our true nature; but that our mind has separated us from that essence and it is our responsibility to rediscover it. That is our task, to reconnect with the light, love, faith, trust, compassion, humility, gratefulness, joy, contentment, strength, courage, and wisdom that is our heart.

How did I find my heart? For years I struggled with this but could not connect. Then one day while meditating, a photo of me as a smiling toddler came to me and I knew right then that that child was my true Buddha self. That opened the door to understanding that these qualities really are my essence, not the darkness, fear and anxiety that was bred in my ego-mind from its reactions to my life experiences. Outwardly, people saw light in me, but the darkness in me controlled much of my life; I was in turmoil.

How does this all apply to my life in a practical way? I know that regardless what life throws my way I will be ok, safe, (mentally) because I have returned home to my heart, my true Buddha self, and am at peace and happy. I know that my life is the way it is right now because it’s just the way it is (free of any judgment, so it’s not resignation) and I am free of desire that my life be in any way different than it is at this moment. And so I am happy and content and at peace in the present, free of all frustration; my mind rests undisturbed. I know that all things are impermanent and so I release all attachments, even to life itself, and take joy in each passing moment, free of all frustration.

That in a nutshell is where my life is today. I am truly free of all agitation; virtually nothing presses my buttons; I view all things with dispassion (I’m very aware of all the dysfunction in the world out there but react to it free of emotion). I am at peace and happy. I have even begun to experience true joy, taking simple pleasure in each passing moment.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and much love in your life, especially for yourself!