The other day, I went to see a well-respected psychic, clairvoyant, transformational therapist because I thought this trauma was taking over my mind on a regular basis, creating much suffering for those around me and myself. Nothing that I was doing, including the trauma exercises I have written about in a prior post, was having any impact on this.
I learned many things during that initial session, but perhaps the most eye-opening was that as a Capricorn, it was my nature to be serious, perhaps even melancholy; there is a joyful side to me, but it is not dominant. This has nothing to do with my life experience, my trauma; it is not an indication that there is something dark inside me. It is just the way I am. It is how I was born. It is what I have described in other writings as my elemental nature, which is part of my true Buddha self, my unborn Buddha mind.
What a relief. As I reflected on this information, I started connecting many dots. The first was my belief that the image of myself as a smiling toddler is the avatar of my true Buddha self. And indeed that is part of my true self. But it is not the whole picture, and by focusing on being in touch with that smiling toddler, seeing things through those joyful eyes, I was denying that other part of me. I was looking to be something other than I am. I wanted that to be my true Buddha self.
Since I was convinced that this grayness, this frown, was not my natural state and indeed evidence that there was still something dark unresolved inside me, I was determined to free myself of this frowning visage. Since I can no more change my natural state than the color of my eyes, having this feeling and determination created unresolvable conflict and tension inside me. It was an act of aggression.
I had also come to realize recently that this image of the smiling toddler was one that my mother and father both fostered and desired. Like most parents, they wanted their child to be happy, which is communicated to the child in many ways, To obtain their love, my inner child did everything possible to deny my inner feelings of seriousness, melancholy; to repress them. To deny myself. And so I did not express those feelings; I did not even cry, not even in private, when I felt great psychic pain.
I also realize now that my desire to succeed, to make my parents proud, was not just a result of a desire to gain their respect, if not their love, because of the trauma I had experienced, but it is a natural asset of me as a Capricorn. So this natural drive of mine fitted very well with the psychic need I had because of the conditional nature of love that I had discovered.
How sad that throughout my life, until my conversation with this psychic, I did not understand an important aspect of who I was and so rather than cherishing it, I labeled it as something unhealthy, undesirable. I was so focused on what was wrong with me that it cancelled out much of the positive feelings I had about myself. I have always been aware of the very positive things about my life, and yet the often less-important negative things grabbed my focus and dominated my self-image.
And so I have begun to sit with myself as being the Capricorn I am. With my elemental nature being serious while also having joyfulness inside me. It is the yin and yang of my life. I am embracing it, seeing it as my true Buddha self. Seeing it indeed as evidence of the deep humanity that is my true self. I have often said, how can one not be serious when one is acutely aware of all the suffering in the world.
This is a very positive development; a break-through. But switching from feeling that an aspect of me is troublesome and unhealthy to knowing that it is part of my elemental nature and to be cherished, while easy intellectually and welcomed, will be a challenge to incorporate into my sense of being. Revised affirmations will help the process. And lots of self-hugging.
And I have gone back to my baby book to find a photograph that is more reflective of the serious side of my true self. I look at that photo and it gives me great comfort; I feel how the two aspects of my true self fit together. It grounds my new affirmations.
This does not mean that I have no other traumas left inside me to discover. But this internal struggle, this self-denial, has itself been a major trauma in my life. Perhaps the central trauma thread that ties the others together.