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Experiencing the Fullness of the Present

4/28/2013

In two recent back-to-back meditations, I came to a realization of the present that had eluded me for all these years. I have written in my books and several posts how to be present and make the most of each moment, savoring it. But being present is so much more than one’s mind not being elsewhere, being fully engaged in the moment, and experiencing your feelings and sensations at the moment without engaging them.

The first realization is that the present is the only reality. “Duh!” you may well say. Of course much of what I had come to realize, essentially the emptiness of all five skandhas, leads inexorably to this realization, and yet I had not connected the dots in that manner. There is no reality in thoughts of the past, because it’s all learned experience. And there’s no reality in thoughts of the future because it can’t be known and is often constructed from one’s fantasies. The only reality is what exists right now, at this moment.

It therefore follows that if one wants to find peace, one can only find it in the present. If one wants contentment, one must find it in the present. If one wants happiness one must find it in the present. The past may supply pleasant memories, but it cannot bring you peace, contentment, or happiness. And any thoughts about the future, obsessive or not, may provide the illusion of future peace, contentment, or happiness, but they mostly lead to great frustration with the present, with what you don’t have now. You may plan for the future (as indeed a layperson must, as I’ve noted in my books and posts), but it is only in the reality of the present that you can find true peace, contentment, and happiness and see yourself and the world around you clearly.

And if you do see yourself and the world around you clearly, if you perceive the emptiness of all five skandhas, if you are at one with yourself and all things and are able to experience and observe without the intervention of thought, then all the obstructions ... fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity, greed, all labels ... that prevent you from experiencing peace, contentment, and happiness in the present cease to be. Indeed, all suffering and doubt cease. That is the lesson of the Heart Sutra.

The second realization is that the present is not static. It is part of the forward moving essence of all life.

So often when we read or are taught about being present or accepting our lives and the world around us as it is at this moment, it sounds like we are talking about a static moment, even as we learn that all things are impermanent and changeable. And that creates a barrier for many people trying to walk the path because thinking of their lives as being static, even for a moment (moments do build on each other), is not acceptable.

But the moment, the present, is not static. Both within us and around us, the world is a perpetual motion machine; everything is constantly in movement, changing, both at the microscopic level and the macro. Even deterioration and death can be seen in this light as forward movement. But our fears, our learned experience, our anxiety, our insecurity, our greed place obstructions between that fact and our realization of it.

Whether those obstructions make it impossible for us to see the forward movement in the present ... e.g. “How can the mundane things I’m doing each day move me forward; they’re boring! Nothing changes!” ... or whether those obstructions trap us in inertia, or whether they focus us on obsessive thoughts of the future as we try to run from what is, the result is the same. They make it impossible for us to experience the forward movement of our lives. And when we are unable to feel forward movement in our lives, when we are separated from the flow of nature, we become very frustrated and agitated.

And so, being present in the moment is to experience the essence of life. It is the source of clarity; it is the source of peace, contentment, and happiness; it is the source of growth/change; it is the source of conscious contact with our true Buddha nature. It is only in the present that we can truly live and walk the path.

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Freedom from the Future

4/24/2013

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Another one of the constant challenges we face is how to plan for the future while remaining present. In an earlier posting on this topic, one of the things I mentioned as key was letting go all thoughts of the future once you have made your decision and put together your plans. Just stay in the present and do what you can each day to move your life forward without thinking about the future.

That’s fine as far as it goes, but as with so many things one reads or I have written, it’s easier said than done. It is somewhat easy to be aware when you start obsessing about the future and stop, breathe, and bring yourself back to the present. But when you aren’t obsessing, when thoughts of the future control your mind much like many thoughts based on your learned experience do ... they’re just sitting there, insipid, not causing any conscious discomfort ... it’s harder to be aware.

While none of this is new information, as my practice deepens I am continually brought back to the basics and learn that I have more work to do to walk the path. And through discoveries, one continues to make progress. Recently while meditating I became aware of situations, much like the one I related in my post on “Freedom from the Known,” where my low level thoughts of the future were making it impossible for me to enjoy the present moment, being where I was.

When I had this realization, I said as I did then, “no more.” I revolted at the control that my thoughts of the future, as well as my learned experience (to which thoughts of the future are of course tied), have on my experience of the present.

The closing verse of the ancient Chinese poem, “Affirming Faith in Mind,” says, “For here there is no yesterday, no tomorrow, no today.” This is the culmination of perceiving that all five skandhas are empty of intrinsic existence, being at one with all things, experiencing things directly without the intervention of thought, returning to one’s self nature and being at one with the way.

As I sat meditating, present, observing the feelings and sensations I was experiencing at that moment, this verse came to mind and I said, “yes.” Each day thereafter when I meditated, I reaffirmed this and I was very aware as the days went by that I was being present in a way which I had not been before. And when my mind did wander into a thought about the future or the past, I was aware and rather than expressing it and engaging it, I returned with my breath to the present and was at peace. As always, I know this is not the last word.

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Freedom from the Known

4/20/2013

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Walking the path is a process of incrementally freeing ourselves from our learned experience, from our ego, from the known. For only when we are free of the known can we experience things as they are, free of the intervention of thought, free of labels. Even when we have perceived the truth of the emptiness of all five skandhas, not just intellectually but absorbed it in all parts of our being, we are still not necessarily free of the known because our ego still remains, waiting for the chance to draw us back from this truth and enmesh us in samsara.

I have related in my books and in this blog how being aware of my ego arising remains a constant challenge. Over the years, more and more aspects of my learned experience, of my ego, have been surrendered to my true Buddha nature and no longer ensnare me. The ego still rises, but I just watch it and let it subside.

But there are always other nooks and crannies of my ego-mind that remain almost untouched by the cleansing light of my spiritual work. And I have related these discoveries as well. As the weeks and months pass, more and more of my ego-mind becomes subject to the light of my unborn Buddha mind and those areas too slowly cease to disturb my peace and my ability to be at one with all things.

Recently while I was meditating, I became aware that there was a huge area of my learned experience that remained untouched; I had been unaware because it didn’t push any buttons, it didn’t cause any neurosis, it didn’t cause any “problems” for my spiritual well-being. That area is the large repository of learned experience that just sits there, and when called upon, impacts how I view a particular situation.

I came upon this realization after I had voiced negative thoughts about Philadelphia when talking about a potential move. But when I was meditating, I remembered that as an adolescent, I used to love taking the train into Philadelphia with my mother to see a matinee of a Broadway-bound show, have lunch, and shop. It was a treat and always pleasurable. Then at some point, downtown Philadelphia fell on bad times, major stores closed, and it became desolate, dirty, and ugly.

Years later I had read that the center city had rebounded ... young people were moving into the city turning old commercial areas into residential, stores were back, there were many new interesting restaurants, and cultural life was strong (as it had always been) with a new performing arts center. And when I went to center city with my brother and sister-in-law to go to concerts, I experienced this newly energized city. Although I also saw that aspects of “Philadelphia, the not beautiful” remained. I also spent several days one year walking around center city, really acquainting myself with much of the area for the first time, because I was thinking of relocating there at the time, and I was generally pleased by what I saw.

Yet despite these experiences, the image that stuck in my mind, and which I expressed recently when Philadelphia came up in conversation, was this extremely negative view of the city as an unattractive, unwelcoming, dead center city. In this case, one aspect of my learned experience overruled the rest of my learned experience and had I not become aware of this during my meditation, Philadelphia would have been off the list as a possible location for our move.

Perhaps for the first time, I realized just how dangerous our learned experience could be because its impact is often so subtle, so insipid, that one isn’t aware what is taking place, even after years of meditation. I had at that moment a revolt in my being, the kind of experience Krishnamurti calls for. I said, “no more.”

Krishnamurti says that, “When we look at ourselves with the dead authority of yesterday we will fail to understand the living movement and the beauty and quality of that movement. To be free of all authority, of your own, and that of another, is to die to everything of yesterday, so that your mind is always fresh, always young, innocent, full of vigor, and passion.”

I can only experience things without the intervention of thought if I am aware of my thoughts, a reflection of my learned experience, arising. This episode was yet another reminder that thought is always present and if one is not aware it will engage itself and you will not see things as they are. Awareness is the constant challenge.

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Freeing Yourself from Fear

4/16/2013

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Fear or insecurity is at the root of almost every obsessive thought or feeling we have. For the most part, I can say that the last few years have been lived mostly free of fear. A few months ago, though, my friend and I decided that the time had come, for a variety of reasons, for us to look for a new location to live. After making that decision, fear of the unknown took hold of me and I have obsessed about the whole process. I tried various methods to not obsess ... being present, focusing on all the good things in my life right now, turning my will and my life over to my true Buddha nature, giving the responsibility over to my friend ... but nothing worked for more than very short periods of time.

Then one morning while meditating and being aware of the feelings and sensations I was experiencing at the moment, I felt this huge anxiety. And as is my practice each morning, I observed my feeling but did not engage it or react to it.

What I saw clearly, no surprise, was that my fear was totally a product of my past, my learned experience, and had become an integral part of my ego habit-energy. It had nothing to do with what the situation was now. Nevertheless the fear seemed very real, very present. And of course to my thinking ego-mind it made sense rationally to be experiencing fear and anxiety.

But when I made conscious contact with my true Buddha nature, I saw just as clearly that my true Buddha nature had another way of viewing this situation. First, it had faith that the future would take care of itself, all would be well, regardless of what life threw my way, because I would always return to my true Buddha nature and be at peace and find happiness in the moment. I had nothing to fear but fear itself. Second, I had absolute faith and trust in my friend’s taking control of the process and leading us to a better place for both of us.

(As an aside I should mention that historically I have been a major control-freak, and that letting go control over this process was but the latest stage in surrendering my ego and living the teaching of not-two.)

I sat with this for quite a while that morning. And a huge feeling of calm came over me. The Heart Sutra is very relevant to my meditation that morning. In particular the two verses that say,

“The Bodhisatva Avelokiteshvara,
Practicing the perfection of wisdom, going deep
within,
Was illuminated and perceived that
All five skandhas are empty of intrinsic existence.
Thus being at one with all things,
Experiencing things directly without the intervention
of thought,
All suffering and doubt ceased.”
. . . .
“Bodhisatvas, abiding in perfected wisdom,
Their minds have no fears or obstructions,
Therefore they have no fears of obstructions;
Free of confused illusions,
They reach nirvana.”

When I was present in my meditation and perceived the emptiness of all five skandhas, that my perceptions were empty of intrinsic existence, the obstruction (my learned experience) that caused me to view the process with fear and anxiety was dispelled and replaced by the knowledge of my true Buddha nature that regardless what life threw my way, all would be well because I would always return to my true Buddha nature and be at peace and find happiness in the moment. I was able to experience the situation without the intervention of thought ... my fear ... and so suffering and doubt ceased.

Not being enlightened, I will need to repeat this meditation on a regular basis, for my ego habit-energy is so strong, so ingrained, that I know my fear will not stop rising. Hopefully though, each time it does I will be aware of it rising and thus be able to not engage it and not react to it. But given my nature as a human being walking the path, that is probably too much to expect.

Always remember, it’s about walking the path, not reaching the goal.

Postscript: I have now from within realized that fear and all skandhas are just a product of the mind and so their power has all but disappeared. See my post, "Proof of the Nature of Mind - Fear, Ego, and Buddha Mind,"

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Step #5: Were reading and willing, and made a decision to surrender our ego and turn our will and our lives over to the care of our true Buddha nature, opening our heart to embrace all aspects of our being.

4/12/2013

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Ah, it sounds so simple. A monk once said to us, “You’ve come so far but you’re still standing on the edge of the precipice. You’re not able to jump because you’re afraid of an ego-free unknown. But the choice is yours; all you need do is surrender your ego to your true Buddha nature. It’s as simple as that.”

But it is not simple at all, primarily because of the hold that our ego-mind has on us at all levels of our conscious, and probably subconscious, thought. It's all we've ever known of ourselves; what we've identified as ourselves. But before I address how one surrenders your ego, let me mention something that I related in an early post about turning your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature.

The monk, who was (and I assume still is) a great and powerful teacher, used the image of standing on the precipice and jumping. That is a very scary image. And I think that that image is part of the reason why I found it so difficult for so many years to surrender my ego to my true Buddha nature. And so, when I realized several months ago that the concept of turning my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature ... a central concept of 12-step programs ... had been missing from my practice and my writings, I knew that this would provide a helpful adjustment to the message I had received and had been passing on.

By incorporating the concept of turning our will and our lives over to the care of our true Buddha nature, it turns the surrender of our ego into a warm and comforting act for we know we have nothing to fear from putting our lives in the hands of our true Buddha nature. This may all seem like semantics, a distinction without a difference, but the words we speak or think, the approach we take, can make a significant difference in our overcoming the barriers to making further progress on the path.

But even with this important change, it is no easy matter. The first thing to realize is that you cannot just will the surrender of your ego to your true Buddha nature and turn your life over to it. In 12-step programs, one is taught that addiction is “self-will run riot.” This is not something we can “will” away. It needs to be approached in a more organic manner.

So how do we implement this step? There two parts. The first is making the decision, the second is implementing it.

Even making the decision, having the intent, is difficult. Regardless if you have faith in your true Buddha nature, and acknowledge that your suffering is caused by your cravings, by your ego, the idea of turning your ego, your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature, your true self ... the idea of your ego playing no role in your actions and thoughts ... is an unsettling one for many if not most, because for most of your life you’ve only known yourself as your ego.

What is necessary in order to make this decision is an accumulated experience of your true Buddha nature that goes beyond abstract faith. As you follow the path, meditate, observe yourself, you will increasingly discern the difference between what your ego is whispering, or yelling, in your ear and what your true Buddha nature is telling you. The more you have conscious contact with your Buddha mind, the greater will be the ease, the greater will be your determination, to make this decision and follow through on it. It will no longer be a venture into the unknown. There will be no question in your aware mind that that is in your best interest.

But even then, what is of critical importance is that you are ready and willing to make the decision. It is not enough knowing it is in your best interest. It is not enough being aware of the suffering caused by your emotions, judgments, and attachments. You must be ready and willing to let them go. If you are not truly ready and willing, then you will go through the process without much impact on your life.

There is no secret method to being ready and willing. It's one of those thing where the only teaching is, "Just do it." You have all the facts, all the awareness, but are you ready and willing? Is finding peace and happiness what you value most, what's most important to you? If not, you may say you have made a decision, but you really haven't.

But once you’ve made that decision, humbly and honestly, that’s far from the end of it. Implementing your decision will be a constant challenge, as you will not be surprised to hear if you’ve been reading this blog. As I’ve recounted, it has certainly been a constant challenge for me.

And the simple reason again is that our ego-mind, our ego habit-energies, are so deeply ingrained. The thoughts and actions that flow from the ego are virtually automatic responses to everything we experience. The only way to implement your decision is to find ways to increase your awareness, your mindfulness, your conscious contact with your true Buddha nature each day. Only when you are not on auto-pilot do you have a chance to turn your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature.

And so each morning when I meditate, I state my intention, which is to turn my will and my life over to my true Buddha nature and thus return home to my unborn Buddha mind and, most recently, open my heart and have it embrace all aspects of my being.

As I've only recently learned, (I know!!), the heart's embrace is a central aspect of turning your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature. It perfects that intent. When you feel your heart's embrace, all internal struggle ceases, you are one with the way, true faith pervades your life. (See my post, "The Heart's Embrace.") Although this sounds very similar to having compassion for yourself, the impact is quite different.

Once you have perfected your intent to surrender your ego and turn your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature, the other parts of implementing your intent will flow rather easily, as related in Steps #6-8.

At first this may happen for just short periods each day and in certain areas of your life. But as time goes on it will cover more and more areas and more hours of each day. The instantaneous enlightenment that one reads people having during the time of the Buddha or other masters such as Zen Master Bankei just doesn’t occur anymore. In my book, Scratching the Itch: Getting to the Root of Our Suffering, I discuss this and posit several explanations for why this is the case.

In any event, you will find that the more you are able to embrace all aspects of your being, the more you will be able to experience peace. The more you will be able to be aware of your feelings arising, not engage or react to them, and watch them subside.

Do not expect perfection. That is not the Buddhist way. Just do the best you can and have faith that if you live each day, each moment, well, the future will take care of itself.

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Step #8: Were entirely ready to love ourselves unconditionally and have compassion for ourselves, and to accept ourselves and the world around us as being the way they are because it's just the way it is.

4/7/2013

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When we started walking the path, most of us were not able to love ourselves unconditionally, have compassion for ourselves, and certainly not accept things as being the way they are.

Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves unconditionally and have compassion for ourselves? One would think that compassion would be a significant coping mechanism. But our ego, while supportive of every manner of rationalization to justify our actions or our failure to act, does not allow us to feel compassion and unconditional love for ourselves because that would undermine the power of the learned labels that it ruthlessly applies to us. Indeed we have spent our entire lives not loving ourselves unconditionally and not having compassion for ourselves because that is our learned experience ... we learned that we don’t deserve it and that the fault is ours.

“Wait,” you say, “I have felt pity towards myself or sorrow at my condition.” But pity and sorrow are not compassion, at least not in the Buddhist sense. Because pity and sorrow do not negate the underlying condition as perceived by our ego. It does not change the perception that we are bad or a failure or whatever.

“Well, what about all the people out there with huge egos? Are you saying they don’t love themselves?” They don't really love themselves, certainly not unconditionally and they don’t have compassion for themselves. People with huge egos have been shown to be at bottom very insecure people. The huge ego is a façade that hides their insecurity.

For a Buddhist, the origin of compassion is love, whether for oneself or others. It is selfless and unconditional. When compassion flows from unconditional love, we do not judge ourselves anymore. We accept ourselves for what we are … without labels. And that has been the issue here for us ... we have not accepted ourselves as we are.

But having worked the previous steps, we see ourselves and the world around us differently. Knowing that we are a product of our life experiences that have programmed us to act and feel as we do, knowing that our true self is our heart, and having opened our heart to embrace all aspects of our being and experience, we have found the source of compassion and unconditional love, and we do not judge ourselves anymore.

Knowing that we have everything we need inside ourselves to be at peace and happy, we no longer seek what we don’t have. We are free of cravings. We thus are ready and willing to accept both ourselves and the world around us as being the way they are because it’s just the way it is.

Having fully connected with our true self, our heart, we are also able to generate a continuous positive energy flow from out heart to ourselves and everyone and everything around us. As related in my post, "Change Your Life by Changing the Direction of Its Energy Flow," this will create a force field around you that prevents any source of negativity from penetrating your heart and disturbing your heart's peace and happiness, it's harmony.

For those who are at an earlier stage in their practice where they have not made a decision to surrender their ego and so have not completed the previous steps, learn how to begin loving yourself and having compassion for yourself by reading the section, “Accepting Ourselves - Cultivating a Compassionate Heart,” in my book, Making Your Way in LIfe as a Buddhist or any of the Practical Buddhist Series books. (As I stated in an earlier post, building a platform of serenity is such an essential first step for anyone walking the path that I’ve included that chapter, of which the section noted is a part, in all three of the Series books.)

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What's Real and What’s Not Real?

4/1/2013

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One of the things we hopefully learn and absorb as we walk the path is that all five skhandas ... appearance of form, feelings, perceptions, mental formations, consciousness-ego ... are empty of intrinsic existence. They are all dependent on something else for their origination ... typically our learned experience.

For example, it may be a fact that someone doesn’t have much money or lots of things, but it is a cultural or family-based label that that person is a failure. Because such labels or thoughts have no independent existence in reality, they are not a reflection of what’s real. They may seem very real because they are supported by all the messages one receives from our culture or one’s family, but they’re not. Instead, we sense what’s real through our true Buddha nature, by observing without the intervention of thought.

As we walk the path, our meditation practice starts to open the window to our experiencing what’s real differentiated from the product of our thought, which is not real. It is for most of us a slow, incremental process.

But beware! Our thoughts, our way of looking at the world, are so deeply ingrained in us that even when we are deep in meditation and think we are seeing things clearly, think we are in touch with our true Buddha nature, we may in fact still be seeing things through our ego-mind ... it is that wily and strong.

The situation is less likely to develop regarding cravings or thoughts we have that are not socially acceptable because we have cultural support for distancing ourselves from these habit-energies. But for cravings and thoughts which are not just socially acceptable but are key ingredients of the cultural messages we are bombarded with, it is more difficult.

Let me give you an example. At one point in the past I moved back to Chicago. My goal was to get a job, find some meaningful volunteer work, and establish a close circle of friends (my old ones were no longer around). Now, each of these goals is totally reasonable and appropriate, both culturally and even spiritually ... they are consistent with the Five Precepts.

But I did not approach these goals with equanimity. I obsessed about them; they were cravings. And so when I struck out on all fronts ... I did meet some nice new acquaintances with whom I socialized, but building friendships, especially of the quality and depth that develops over 25 years, takes a long time ... I got disgusted with Chicago and decided to leave.

At this point in my life, I had been walking the path for 10 years, meditated daily, and had benefited from some very powerful teaching. I also had had a break-through retreat in which I discovered my oneness with all things. But despite all of that, I did not “see” that I was not seeing clearly regarding these goals; that I was wound up in my ego-mind.

It was only recently, when I was talking with a friend about the power of our ego-mind and it’s ability to trick us into thinking we’re observing without the intervention of thought, that this experience flashed through my mind and I had a “eureka” moment. How sad. But what’s past is past. My point in relating this story is to emphasize the traps that our ego-mind sets for us, even during meditation.

So how does one not fall into this trap if one is not enlightened? The answer .is that whenever you think you are seeing things clearly, without the intervention of thought, you must ask yourself are you really seeing things as they are. Observe whether you are in a state of equanimity; observe whether something is going on which is amiss, at odds with the teachings, your spirituality.

I did not do that back then with regard to these matters. Others that were recognized as harmful, yes. But not these. I’m sure if I had, I would have seen my goals for what they were ... cravings. I was not in a state of equanimity. I was constantly frustrated, which as I said in an earlier post is a red flag, our “canary in the mine.” And I would have meditated on accepting my life as it was at that moment because it’s just the way it was and focused on all the wonderful things in my life.

This is just one more example of the constant challenge of walking the path. Just as soon as you think you’ve got one aspect “under your belt,” you realize that there’s something else that needs tending. And on and on it goes. But the point is that you are always moving forward. Every moment you are aware, in conscious contact with your true Buddha nature, is a moment free of suffering. And as those moments build, the benefit of that state of mind affects you even when you are not aware.

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