After a recent episode of friction with my friend caused by my saying something stupid – which is to say, thoughtless – because I was not one with god and instead in the control of my ego-mind, I saw the light. After much grief, my friend told me once again that he felt I was doing something in my meditation/prayer that was not helping me. His feeling was that I had all these lists of things I should do or shouldn't do, that I was using my mind to find peace and freedom from suffering, and that that was a recipe for disaster.
He said that instead I needed to take a vacation from myself, from my mind, and just be one with god. When I meditated/prayed the next morning and recited the mantra, "when faith and mind are not separate, and not separate are mind and faith, this is beyond all words and thoughts," it hit me. There, in the words of this ancient Chinese poem, was the answer – which I had been reciting for decades, but without awareness, and so to no avail.
I was about to write a post on this, but first, I wanted to see what I had written on this subject in the past. Much to my chagrin, I found I had written two posts on this topic. and the second one made precisely the point that I just learned ... again. And that post was written in 2015, 9 years ago! See my post, "Faith and Mind Not Separate - 2."
How had I forgotten this spiritual lesson and so continued to cause both myself and those dear to me such needless suffering? Over the years, I had thought I was going deeper and deeper into my spiritual practice, but instead my ego-mind was leading me into a delusional state. I was still consistently falling off the wagon, causing suffering, and my response was to look for the next "causal factor" that I could fix, as I have reported in my posts, rather than going back to the simple truth I had learned so many years ago.
Hopefully I have finally learned my lesson. For the past few days I have resided in my faith. There has been no need to interject myself into the lives of others because that is their task. If they ask me a question, that is one thing. But otherwise, no. I am not "my brothers keeper." Instead, I have faith that things are the way they are because it's just the way it is; it is meant to be and all is ok. I have faith in the universe.
My faith has been revealed to me again from within, not by my mind searching for things that support my faith. And I am free of the conceit that I am someone's provider. The only provider is god, the universe.
As I was rereading some of my posts now, it was embarrassing to see their power, being aware of the truths they reveal, and yet knowing that for myself, my ego-mind never gave up control despite the words that I was writing or the truths that I was discovering. And because I was not awake, not aware of my mind's control, I was constantly surprised, vexed, when I would fall off the wagon.
My nature is to want to help people, for good reasons (spiritual) not just bad (psychological). As I enter this new phase of complete faith (the 12-step saying "half measures avail us nothing" certainly applies), I will still need to on guard against the psychological need to help/be needed asserting itself, especially when I am presented with someone dear to me in great distress.
I have learned the hard way that trying to help people often just causes more grief. Have faith. Don't offer help or guidance unless asked. Respect people's boundaries. Always remember, I am not my brother's keeper.
It all comes down to faith. Faith and mind not being separate.