I have written about the difficulty of listening twice before. But it is so important to having good relationship with others, and indeed one's own peace, that I am writing once again.
One of the most frequent causes for conflict between people—whether family, friends, or colleagues—is that people do not generally listen to what's being said to them. They listen, in the sense of hearing what's said, but they pay no attention to what's being said.
One sees this all the time with children in school—2nd grade and younger. With them, it's obvious, physically. Even after being admonished time and time again, there's no question they're not paying attention to what's being said, whether it's a classmate or the teacher.
Unfortunately, this isn't just a problem with young children. Through all the years of our life, we continue to hear but not really listen. Listening requires not just knowing what's being said, but processing it and having some understanding of why it's being said.
In the workplace, we all have our own agendas and ideas which are going through our heads as we listen to someone speak, which prevents us from really paying attention and processing what they're saying. That can get you in trouble.
But the more serious problems occur with interpersonal relationships. Those close to us often will tell us something, perhaps something we do that causes them discomfort, but because we don't understand where the person is coming from, what they're feeling, we don't give their comment much credence, especially if what they're requesting is inconvenient for us, which is usually the case. We don't want to change or watch what we're saying, even if we care for someone deeply. This causes conflict between people, often quite serious.
In order to listen deeply, we need to turn off the thoughts that are going through our mind while the person is speaking to us and just listen to him or her. That does not come naturally. But that's just the first step—paying attention.
The more difficult part in interpersonal relations is freeing ourselves from our ego-mind which will get defensive if someone complains about our actions, regardless how justified the person is. Even with someone as deep into their practice as I am, I will get defensive when someone complains about something I do or have done, and only the next morning when I meditate/pray and the situation replays itself in my mind will I understand what the person was complaining about and I admit I was wrong.
It's amazing—disconcerting really—how I have freed myself from so many skandhas, so much of my conditioning, and yet I still obviously am not completely free of my ego-mind. As is often said, the path never ends.
One of the most frequent causes for conflict between people—whether family, friends, or colleagues—is that people do not generally listen to what's being said to them. They listen, in the sense of hearing what's said, but they pay no attention to what's being said.
One sees this all the time with children in school—2nd grade and younger. With them, it's obvious, physically. Even after being admonished time and time again, there's no question they're not paying attention to what's being said, whether it's a classmate or the teacher.
Unfortunately, this isn't just a problem with young children. Through all the years of our life, we continue to hear but not really listen. Listening requires not just knowing what's being said, but processing it and having some understanding of why it's being said.
In the workplace, we all have our own agendas and ideas which are going through our heads as we listen to someone speak, which prevents us from really paying attention and processing what they're saying. That can get you in trouble.
But the more serious problems occur with interpersonal relationships. Those close to us often will tell us something, perhaps something we do that causes them discomfort, but because we don't understand where the person is coming from, what they're feeling, we don't give their comment much credence, especially if what they're requesting is inconvenient for us, which is usually the case. We don't want to change or watch what we're saying, even if we care for someone deeply. This causes conflict between people, often quite serious.
In order to listen deeply, we need to turn off the thoughts that are going through our mind while the person is speaking to us and just listen to him or her. That does not come naturally. But that's just the first step—paying attention.
The more difficult part in interpersonal relations is freeing ourselves from our ego-mind which will get defensive if someone complains about our actions, regardless how justified the person is. Even with someone as deep into their practice as I am, I will get defensive when someone complains about something I do or have done, and only the next morning when I meditate/pray and the situation replays itself in my mind will I understand what the person was complaining about and I admit I was wrong.
It's amazing—disconcerting really—how I have freed myself from so many skandhas, so much of my conditioning, and yet I still obviously am not completely free of my ego-mind. As is often said, the path never ends.
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