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Why Am I Not Free?

8/23/2013

Dear Hanh Niem,

I feel like I’m a failure. I’ve been meditating for years, very diligently. I go to temple. I read spiritual books. As you have counseled, I have surrendered my ego and turned my will and my life over to my true Buddha nature. I have extended moments of peace and happiness. But my ego is always pulling me from the path. My thinking mind is always telling me to do this or that and if I don’t I’m a failure, yet I know that doing what my thinking mind tells me will lead to nothing but frustration. I am tried of feeling pulled. Shouldn’t I be able to be free of my ego’s influences at this point in my practice?

Why Am I Not Free?

Dear Why Am I Not Free,

No, you are not a failure. I know from the experience of many years that despite my having surrendered my ego and turned my life over to my true Buddha nature, my ego and thinking mind still remain a very active part of my being. Frequently each day, my thinking mind will pull me away from being present free of thought. And frequently, my ego will react to something said to me in an instantaneous knee-jerk manner.

So when I say that I surrender my ego to my true Buddha nature and turn my life and my will over to my true Buddha mind, what exactly does that mean since I know that my ego and thinking mind can neither be eliminated from my being nor can they be suppressed? What it means is that I am aware of the difference between what my ego-mind and my true Buddha nature tells me and that I am committed to following the guidance of my true Buddha nature, not my ego.

All I can do is practice being present free of the intervention of thought by focusing on my breathing as often as possible during the day, thus experiencing the fullness of the moment, at peace and happy free of the pull of my ego-mind. And by being present be aware when my ego-mind arises so I am able to acknowledge it with compassion but firmly say that its thought is from the past and that I am now looking to my true Buddha nature for guidance and have faith that if I live each moment well the future will take care of itself, all will be well.

And just what is that true Buddha nature or unborn Buddha mind? It is a mind free of the intervention of thought, that experiences all things directly without the intervention of thought. It is a mind which being free of thought is one with the way and rests undisturbed. It is a mind that nothing in the world offends. Being free of the intervention of thought, it is a mind free of the past, free of the known and thus free of all ego-centered strivings. It is a mind that is free of the tyranny of the past and the tyranny of the future. It is present free of thought, knowing that the present is the only reality, that all else is thought.

We know from the Pali canon’s story of the Buddha’s life that even he continued to have feelings, and that even he was regularly tempted by Mara, who I view as his ego-mind. But being fully enlightened, the Buddha was always present and aware when his ego arose and was able to just watch his feelings rise and allow them to subside. And he was able to tell Mara that he was free of the ego-centered thoughts she tried to entice him with and just watch her subside.

Not being fully enlightened, we have to be careful not to expect too much of ourselves when we practice, even with great diligence. The force of our ego-mind is very strong. All we can do is eke out an ever larger period of time as our practice deepens in which we are present free of the intervention of thought, in touch with our true Buddha nature.

To have our thinking mind pull us away from the path, to have our ego arise in knee-jerk fashion is not to fail in one’s practice. It is to be human. And when we become aware of what has transpired we feel compassion for ourselves and focus again on our breathing and are present in the moment free of thought. That is all we can do.

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Why Am I Here?

8/16/2013

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Dear Hanh Niem,

I do my work, I love my family, I am kind to others, but all around me I see mindless cruelty or lack of concern for others. Whatever I do doesn’t seem to matter in the larger scope of things. I feel insignificant. Sometimes like there’s no place for me in this world. I keep coming back to the existential questions ... why am I here? what is the purpose of my life? what is the meaning of life? Can you help me.

Why Am I Here?

Dear Why Am I Here?,

Had you asked me this question as recently as a month ago, I would have answered that there is no meaning to life, there is no purpose to our lives. Everything just is. What we as Buddhists do is commit to living our lives according to the Five Precepts in recognition that we are all one, helping relieve the suffering of others and offering them joy, thus bringing joy to ourselves.

But recently a friend of mine said to me that he realized that his purpose in life was to relieve the suffering of others and to offer others joy. And the light went on in my head. That is the answer to the existential question. And while I know of nothing in Buddhist teaching that puts it quite that way, in those terms, it is obviously consistent with all the teaching.

You might ask, what difference does it make if we do these things as part of walking the path or know that it’s our purpose to do these things? Ah, the fact that you are walking the path and yet felt the need to ask me your question tells the tale. What most of us learn from family, peers, and our culture is that our purpose in life is to achieve, to make money. Whether rich or poor, that is the purpose of life, and if you aren’t able to accomplish that for whatever reason, you have failed and it’s your fault.

One of the things that we as Buddhists struggle with every day are the obstacles to our walking the path caused by the intervention of our ego-mind, our thinking mind, which is the repository and proponent of our learned experience, of our culture’s answer to the question, what is our purpose in life. I have indicated in several blog and advice posts how we can deal with the thinking mind when it arises and presses these thoughts upon us. (See my blog post, “Not Engaging Your Thoughts.”)

Now, in addition to acknowledging the thinking-mind and having compassion for it but firmly saying that its thoughts reflect the past and that you are now seeking guidance from your true Buddha nature and know that if you live each moment well the future will take care of itself, you can say, “I know that my purpose in life is to help relieve the suffering of others, to offer others joy. It’s as simple as that. All else is ego.”

Beyond the help that this answer to the existential question provides us in walking the path, it’s potential is infinite. There is a Buddhist grace that I recite each day, part of which says, “With the first taste, I promise to offer joy. With the second taste, I promise to help relieve the suffering of others. WIth the third taste, I promise to see others’ joy as my own.” I have written elsewhere in my political blog ( PreservingAmericanGreatness.blogpost.com, “A Grace to Change the World”) that if everyone regardless of their religion spoke and took to heart the words of this grace, the world would be on its way to solving all the intractable problems that we face.

If everyone saw this not just as a goal but as their purpose in life, as the reason for their existence, the difference would be even more profound. Then every scientist, every businessman, every politician, every person regardless of occupation would first ask how is what I’m doing helping others. And if the answer came back that it was in fact harming others, the person would stop, even if it had the potential for making lots of money or otherwise bringing power. Then progress would truly benefit the people, rather than those with power and wealth.

The other beauty of this answer to the existential question, rather than the one provided by our culture, is that it is something that everyone, regardless of status, regardless whether rich or poor, can achieve. Everyone has it within themselves to help relieve the suffering of others and offer joy. A person living in abject poverty may not be able to provide food to help his starving family, but he can offer them unconditional love so that they do not suffer psychologically, feeling that love and security.

Now, having said all this, I must note that when you reach a certain point in your practice, the existential question itself is irrelevant. Why? Because the question is a product of our thinking mind. It is the thinking mind trying to make sense of things. But when you are able to be present free of the intervention of thought, the existential question does not exist. You are one with all things, experiencing things directly without the intervention of thought. You will know then intuitively by observing yourself directly that that is your purpose in life, but not as the answer to a question. Free of thought, your mind rests undisturbed, all suffering and doubt cease.

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Frustrated!

8/10/2013

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Dear Hanh Niem,

I have been practicing for some time and in general have spiritual awareness during much of the day. However, with some regularity (maybe a few times a month) something really pushes my buttons, and when it does I start getting frustrated and upset and it snowballs into an anger attack in which I beat up on myself and others. The next day I’m usually back on track, but in the meantime I’ve exhausted myself and those close to me. Can you help me?

Frustrated!

Dear Frustrated,

What you experience is not uncommon. The hardest thing in walking the path is being aware when our ego-mind, our thinking mind, arises. Because without being aware, we have no chance of stopping it. That requires awareness 24/7 which most of us, myself included, are not blessed with. And the ego-mind is so sneaky that it will arise precisely at those moments when it senses that our defenses are down and we are not aware.

So the answer to your question is in two parts. The first is how to increase your periods of awareness throughout the day. The second is, if you are aware of your ego-mind arising, what do you do?

The first part is addressed in my recent post, “Being Present is the Key to Peace and Contentment.” Basically, being present is the precondition to all of the other steps on the path because if you aren’t present you cannot be free of thought, and if you’re not free of thought you cannot make any real progress because your thinking mind will not allow you to.

As to how you increase the amount of time during the day that you are present free of thought, try purposefully stopping whatever you’re doing or thinking frequently during the day and focus on your breathing. And recite the mantra I’ve noted in previous posts:

“Breathing in, I’m aware I’m breathing in. Breathing out, I’m aware I’m breathing out. Here there is no yesterday, no tomorrow, no today ... only the present moment. This is the only reality. All else is thought.”

Of course the catch here is that you have to be aware enough to stop. So, in the beginning, it will be helpful if you schedule your stopping, perhaps every hour on the hour or whatever feels comfortable to you, using an alarm if necessary. This may feel silly at first or very artificial, but we get so caught up in our days and with our thinking mind, that unless we set aside a time to stop, just like we do in the morning when we meditate, it just won’t happen. For more on this, see my post, “Beyond Awareness.”

As your practice of being present free of thought deepens, you’ll find that you won’t need to check your watch, and you will as a natural thing stop periodically throughout the day to focus on your breathing and be present.

As to what to do when you become aware of your ego-mind arising, that too is dealt with in a previous post, “Not Engaging Your Thought.” As explained in that post, don’t try to white-knuckle it, don’t just say no, but instead acknowledge the thought and have compassion for where it’s coming from while firmly saying that you are taking your guidance from your true Buddha nature now and have faith that if you live each moment well, the future will take care of itself.

If you find yourself unable to respond to your ego-mind arising as suggested, you have to ask yourself a tough question ... are you truly ready to be free of whatever craving or feeling is causing you such frustration and anger. What happens quite frequently is that although we are committed to walking the path and do very well regarding most aspects of our lives, there are certain core issues that continue to prey upon us because we are not truly ready to be free of those cravings or feelings. For whatever reason we hold on to them.

Obviously, if one is not ready to be free of the things that cause our suffering, then we can’t expect progress in that area. For more on this, see my post, “Do You Really Want to Be at Peace and Content?” My post on Step #8 “Were Entirely Ready to Have Our True Buddha Nature Free Us from Our Cravings.” is also relevant.

If you are committed to ending your suffering and finding peace and contentment, then the course of action necessary is clear. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

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Compassion for Some, Not All

8/6/2013

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Dear Hanh Niem,

I read in Buddhist books that I should have compassion for all people, even ones that do horrible, evil things to others, including their family. I have a real hard time with that. How can one have compassion for people who purposefully do such harmful things?

Compassion for Some, Not All

Dear Compassion for Some, Not All,

To answer your question, I need to go back to some basics. We all, every person on this Earth whether rich or poor, suffer from samsara. We all are the product of learned experiences from our family, our peers, or the wider culture that create our own particular samsara, our own neuroses. What we think about ourselves and the world around us is mostly formed by that experience.

But although each person’s samsara may be slightly different, they are all based on two elements ... fear and insecurity. Now you may think that people with huge egos, power, and wealth have no fear or insecurity but quite the opposite is usually the case. People with huge egos have been shown to be at bottom very insecure people; their ego is a facade. And they certainly suffer, even while they make others suffer.

And so we come to an awareness of our, in a very basic sense, limited control over our lives when we may have thought we were quite in control of things. We are products of our environment and upbringing, and the way we are programmed by those factors limits in a very practical way the choices our thinking mind can make.

Our awareness of the truths of samsara opens the door to feeling compassion for ourselves. For the first time in our lives, we realize that although we are responsible for what we do, at a deeper level we understand that until we break out of the cycle of samsara by following the path, our ability to choose or reject and to see clearly is a limited one. Free will in reality doesn’t exist. And so we come to have the awareness that allows us to have compassion for ourselves, to love ourselves unconditionally.

For people brought up in a societal and religious atmosphere that preaches that we all have free will and that if we don’t exercise it properly it is our fault ... that it’s a character flaw, a lack of moral fibre ... this concept is hard to accept, even towards ourselves. If we have done something that we feel remorse or regret for, it’s hard to accept that those were things that were really not within our control to do much otherwise. So foreign is this to our learned experience.

Recently while meditating I saw everyone in the world as a marionette, with the strings pulling them this way and that controlled by their ego, their thinking mind. They have realistically no control over their actions.

And so, just as all people are born with the true Buddha nature inside them, all mankind in every corner of the earth, regardless how poor or how rich, regardless whether civilized or not, suffers from samsara. The experience of samsara is universal.

The awareness of the oneness of all humanity in both its essential purity and its suffering opens the door to having compassion for all people. Even the Rwandan who wielded a machete or the Nazi SS guard who sent thousands to their death or the Charles Mansons of the world ... all of these individuals are deserving of compassion because they are victims of their own samsara. Regarding all one can truly say, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

Compassion for all people lies at the heart of Buddhism. It is the rock on which the Five Precepts rest. To promote the development of compassion within myself, I do several things in my daily practice:

Every day when I prostrate myself, I invoke the Bodhisattva of Compassion with the Korean words, “Gwanseum bosal,” and thereby commit myself to cultivating a compassionate heart towards myself and all others.

When I meditate, I pray for “those who have hate in their hearts and who harm others. May their hearts be filled with love and may they cease harming others.”

I practice tonglen towards all. “Breathing in, I breath in the pain and suffering of the world. Breathing out, I send the world love, compassion, understand, faith, and strength. May the hearts of all be filled with love and compassion for themselves and all others. May they be freed from the past, releasing all attachment, unskillful desires, and fears and thus have the serenity to experience peace, happiness, hope, self-confidence, and security in the present that lifts frustration and oppression from their hearts and mind. May they be one with their unborn Buddha mind, free of anger, anxiety, and fear. May they know that if they live each moment well the future will take care of itself.”

And at the end of my meditation, I recite, “I dedicate this practice to the enlightenment of others. May it be as a drop on the ocean of activity of all bodhisatvas who work to liberate and bring enlightenment to all.”

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Why Am I Not Free?

Why Am I Here?

Frustrated!

Compassion for Some, Not All

Dear Buddha | An Advice Column by Hanh Niêm

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