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Obsessed about the Future

10/30/2013

Dear Hanh Niem,

Despite my trying to live in the present, I keep on obsessing about the future, especially when I have to plan for something large or small. It’s a real pain.

Obsessed About the Future

Dear Obsessed About the Future,

Planning for the future without obsessing is a real challenge for all of us. Not surprising given that in our society and our learned experience, changing our lives, making us something we aren’t, getting something we don’t have now ... all those things are of the utmost importance supposedly to our happiness and our standing with our peers. We are very insecure.

As with most aspects of walking the path, it comes down to awareness and making a choice. Awareness is observing ourselves and understanding what is happening to us. It is reflection that requires focus and being present in the moment, free of the intervention of thought. That last part ... being free of the intervention of thought ... is of critical importance. If you think you are present but are thinking, then you aren’t present at all but off somewhere, wherever your thinking mind is taking you. In various posts I have described exercises to help you be in that state.

Once you are in that state, and you become aware that your thinking mind wants to obsess about the future, the choice is yours. You can either go where your thinking-mind leads you, or you can say, “No, I’m not going there; I have compassion for you and I appreciate where you’re coming from, but following you will result in nothing but fear and anxiety, frustration, and suffering. Instead, I am going to listen to my true Buddha nature and be present, knowing that if I live each moment well, the future will take care of itself, all will be well regardless what life throws in my direction.”

Recently I was once again dealing with this very issue. Yes, it never ends as our ego and thinking mind are always there, very active, and very strong and wily. Anyway, I all of a sudden remembered a popular song from my childhood, “Che Sera.” The opening words were, “When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be, will I be pretty, will I be rich, here’s what she said to me. Che sera sera, whatever will be, will be. The future’s not our’s to see. Che sera sera.”

What a wonderful spiritually advanced song to come out of our modern culture. How strange. Were things really that different 60 years ago?

As the days have passed, I have thought of that song and sung it to myself often during the day. It brings a smile to my face and somehow, probably because it’s a part of the culture I grew up in, it makes it easier for me to choose not to obsess about the future when my thinking mind wants to take me in that direction.

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Acceptance Isn't Working

10/20/2013

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Dear Hanh Niem,

I am depressed. My life is not going very well. I’m in both physical and psychological pain. I meditate regularly and I think I’ve accepted my situation and practice the teaching of “it’s just the way it is” but none of that has made a difference. I am depressed, frustrated, and often angry.

Acceptance Isn't Working

Dear Acceptance Isn't Working,

The problem here are the labels your thinking mind places on things. When we practice acceptance or “it’s just the way it is,” it’s critical to understand that regardless how these words sound in English, this is not about resignation ... accepting one’s lot in life as being bad, pain, etc. It’s about accepting or viewing everything about yourself and the world around you without any judgment value labels. If you are still applying labels, as it appears from your letter you are, then you are not really practicing acceptance or “it’s just the way it is.”

How do you not apply the labels that are part of your habit energy, that have become instinctual? It comes back to being present free of the intervention of thought. And for that one needs to be aware so that you do not follow your thinking mind when it wants to apply these labels. View it with compassion, but say that you’re not going there, that you are seeking guidance from your true Buddha nature, knowing that these labels are all learned experience and have no intrinsic value.

Having said this, I must admit from personal experience that applying this practice to matters that hit very close to home when the going gets rough is very difficult ... both being aware and not following your habit energy. And these of course are the situations that cause us the most agony.

Part of my answer to you lies in the answer I gave to “Consumed by Fear.” But you need to go further to the issue of labels, because it is the application of these labels that causes our reactions. For example, if you call something “pain,” there is no way that you will be able to keep yourself from running from it or trying to stop it because it’s a biological imperative. The trick is to stop naming it “pain.” Yes, this is thought, but it’s so instinctual that I find it productive to deal with it as a separate issue.

When I was dealing with this same issue, I applied the lessons I had learned in dealing with the weather. Before you react with “huh?”, please read on.

Think of almost any element of weather … heat, cold, rain, snow. These are very objective, measurable facts. Yet one person will thrive in a particular weather condition while another can’t stand it. Our reactions to the weather are entirely subjective and change from person to person. What causes these differing reactions? It’s our learned experience. Whether it’s the weather we grew up with, whether it’s how our parents or peers reacted to the weather ... a variety of learned inputs form our individual response to the weather.

And this subjective view in turn causes many of us suffering. How often have we been in a weather situation that we didn’t like … whether high heat and humidity or unrelenting rain or snow … which had the psychological impact of making us miserable and depressed?

What has happened is that our learned experience has caused us to put mental labels on everything that we experience … labels that something is good or bad … which interfere with our perception of the true quality of things. When a sensory image goes from the eyes, nose, or ears to the brain, it is these labels that impact how the images are received. Our conscious mind does not receive them neutrally.

The point here is that heat, rain, cold, snow, etc. are neither good nor bad … they just are. Our perception of the “lousy” weather may seem very real to us, but it’s all a function of our mind and thus illusory, not a reflection of reality.

Once I understood this deeply, my relationship with the weather changed completely. Now I never apply a label to the weather and I see the beauty to the texture of each day’s weather, regardless its nature.

And so it is with all things. Whether it’s your income status, your occupation, your weight, or whatever ... your feelings or perceptions of these matters, the labels you apply to them, are a function of your learned experience from family, peers, and the larger culture. They seem very real, but they have no intrinsic value or existence.

So when I was reacting to some matters that hit much closer to home with fear and anxiety, I realized that beyond being present in the moment free of thought, I needed to apply the lessons of freeing myself from labels. I consciously went through the types of feelings I was having and saw that these too were just labels that I instinctually was applying. They had no more intrinsic value than the labels that I had applied to the weather.

Then, it was up to me to make the choice not to apply the labels but to see things as they are free of the intervention of thought. Which I have for the most part been able to do. You can too.

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Consumed by Fear

10/16/2013

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Dear Hanh Niem,

I’m desperate. I’ve been practicing for years, meditating almost every day. But my life is like a seesaw. Much of the time I experience peace and happiness. But much of the time I am so gripped by the baggage of my past that I am consumed by a fear and anxiety that will not let me out of its grasp. I have tried focusing on my breathing and other methods, but nothing gets this monkey off my bank till I almost literally collapse from mental exhaustion.

Consumed By Fear

Dear Consumed By Fear,

You are not alone. Our habit-energies are very strong and entrenched, having been built over a lifetime, and so freeing ourselves from the fear, anxiety, and frustration they cause is a difficult task. But it is a doable task.

One can certainly not fight them or argue with them. That just strengthens them. And one cannot just redirect one’s attention by focusing on our breathing, in effect ignoring them, because as you have experienced, they will not be ignored.

Instead, one must revolt against the tyranny of the past, your habit-energies. The language I’m using may sound like fighting, and thus at odds with what I just said, but this is not about a fight. This is about a visceral revolt, a decision on your part that you will not follow your habit-energies anymore.

If one is aware, one has a choice. One can either go where your habit-energies take you and suffer the consequences, or you can say to them, “I have compassion for you and where you’re coming from, but you are the past. I’m not going there anymore. I am seeking guidance now from my true Buddha nature and I have faith that if I live each moment well, the future will take care of itself, all will be well regardless of what life throws my way. I will always have my inner strength and will experience joy because I will always offer others joy and help relieve the suffering of others, regardless of the situation I’m in.”

This may sound very simple-minded, but it is effective. The two requirements, of course, are that you are aware and that you have made this decision. Being aware as you well know is a challenge in and of itself, but there are various methods I’ve discussed in my posts to help you increase your awareness, your being present free of the intervention of thought, throughout the day.

Making the decision is up to you. And this is not as silly a point as it may sound. Just like the question I raised in my post, “Do You Really Want to Be at Peace and Content?” the answer may well be, “of course,” and yet we aren’t willing to take the steps, to do what needs to be done in order to reach that point. Whether it’s acceptance or letting go of our habit-energies, we often are not willing to take that step. There is comfort in the known, even if it is painful. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

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Trying to Live the Purpose Driven Life

10/1/2013

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Dear Hanh Niem,

I am not a Buddhist, I am a Christian, but I read your blog post “The Ultimate Failure of Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life,” which directed me here. It is indeed a wonderful, inspiring book. And I have been able to implement many aspects of the purpose driven life that it sets forth. But I have found it impossible, although I have surrendered myself to God, to love all others regardless how difficult they may be or what they have done. Even within my family, although I certainly love them, I find myself acting in ways which don’t manifest that love. Given the importance of loving others to fulfilling God’s purpose for us, I am at a loss as to what to do. The book doesn’t really offer any further help. Where do I start?

Trying to Live the Purpose Driven Life

Dear Trying to Live the Purpose Driven Life,

Thank you for writing. As I stated in that blog post (http://PreservingAmericanGreatness.blogspot.com), the barrier to loving others, treating them as you would wish to be treated yourself, is your ego. The problem is not the Devil, it is our ego.

Since you are not a Buddhist and probably have not read Buddhist texts, let me back up here for a minute. In our culture, the ego is generally considered to be who we are. the expression of ourselves. It is thus looked at positively, except if one has too big an ego.

In Buddhism, the ego is not who we are; it is not our true self. Instead, it is the result of the accretion of all of our learned experiences ... from family, peers, and our culture. We act and think as we act and think because of our ego-mind, because of these experiences. The ego is the home of all our neuroses which are at their core formed by the insecurities we have learned from our experiences. It is the source of all our frustration, anger, greed, envy ... the source of all our suffering.

If we are not our ego, you naturally will ask, then who are we? In Buddhism, the teaching is that we are all born essentially perfect with the true Buddha nature inside us. That remains constant throughout our lives. That is who we truly are. But it becomes buried beneath all of our learned experiences. They are like the clouds that hide the sky, which is always blue and sunny, even on a grey day. As so we lose touch with our true self.

Buddhism is about finding our way back to our true self. Of making contact with it and allowing it to guide our lives rather than our ego.

For a Christian, I don’t think the distinction between ego and self exists. But you can be saved by turning your will and life over to the service of Christ and God. As Rick Warren puts it, “If not to God, you will surrender to the opinions or expectations of others, to money, to resentment, to fear, or to your own pride, lusts, or ego. [Actually, all these things are manifestations of the ego.] ... You are free to choose, what you surrender to but you are not free from the consequence of that choice.”

Whether Christian or Buddhist, there is indeed a choice. But it is far from a simple one. Neither by just surrendering your will to God nor to your true Buddha nature will you be free of your ego’s habit-energies. The ego is far too strong, being the principal source of the self-image that you have been developing throughout your life.

So how then do you free yourself from your ego? My books and the various posts on this site all speak to this issue and its challenge. But stated most simply, in terms that relate to your background:

1. You must discern that your ego, not the Devil, is driving you in directions that are contrary to the lessons of The Purpose Driven Life. This acknowledgment of your ego's nature and its control of your life is central as it is an acknowledgment of responsibility.

2. You must understand that your ego habit-energies are all learned. They are a product of your environment. There is nothing inherent or natural about them, even though they seem very natural to you and are supported by the culture around you.

3. You must learn to accept your life as it is right now because it’s just the way it is, and love yourself unconditionally and have compassion for yourself and others. Without true acceptance, you fall into our culture’s trap of always wanting what you don’t have and of being beset by insecurity and fear.

4. You must make a decision to surrender your ego to God and turn your will and your life over to His care ... totally.

5. You must be aware when your ego-mind arises, acknowledge it, have compassion for it, but say clearly that your have given your life over to the service of God and take your guidance now from His teachings.

6. You must become increasingly present, free of the intervention of thought, because only when you are in that state can you see things as they really are as opposed to how your ego, your thinking-mind, sees them. Only then can ego-centered strivings cease. Only then will your mind rest undisturbed and you will find true peace and happiness, free of fear and anxiety. Only then will you know directly, from your heart not some teaching, that your only purpose in life is to offer others joy and to help relieve the suffering of others.

Surrendering your ego does not mean that you will live a life with no direction and with no accomplishments; that you will not be engaged in life. Instead, it means that your direction and your actions will come from your heart, your purpose driven life, not your ego.

Our egos will always be part of us, but we do not have to allow them to control our lives. There is another way. We do have a choice. Although my books, with the exception of Raising a Happy Child, are written for Buddhists I think you would find them helpful.

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Obsessed about the Future

Acceptance Isn't Working

Consumed by Fear

Trying to Live the Purpose Driven Life

Dear Buddha | An Advice Column by Hanh Niêm

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