ThePracticalBuddhist.com - Dear Buddha | A practical Buddhist Advice Column by Hanh Niêm

Questioning the Meaning of It All

11/26/2020

Dear Hanh Niem,

If there is a God, then why did he or she put me on this Earth to be in such agony and have the inability to find an identity that I am comfortable with?

Questioning the meaning of it all

Dear Questioning,

There is a force in the universe that caused the creation of the world and man and the other sentient beings. Whatever you call that force, it has done nothing beyond placing you on this Earth. It does not control what happens to you nor does it change things in answer to your prayers.

Suffering is universal, and lack of self-knowledge is universal, because as a monk once said to me, it’s just the way it is. The ego-mind, which is solely a property of man because of his developed brain, reacts to the insecurity we are faced with almost from the moment of birth and develops patterns of thought and emotion that causes us suffering.

But the ego-mind is not our true self. Our true self is our heart, our Buddha/divine essence. And our heart is life, love, faith, trust, compassion, humility, gratefulness, joy, contentment, strength, courage, and wisdom.

The serenity prayer says, “Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (which is the way things are right now) and the courage to change the things I can (which is how I relate to myself and the world around me . . .. the thoughts i think, the words I speak, the actions i take).

What you have to do to end your suffering, discover your true identity, is to free yourself from the control of your ego-mind and reconnect with your true self, your heart. This is a challenging task requiring courage, discipline and patience for the power of your ego-mind over you is great. But the path is clear.

For help in walking the path try watching the video series, "Coming Home," which you can access from this website. Also browse the blog posts and perhaps read the book, How To Find inner Peace,

May you find peace and happiness.

What Am I To Do?

1/17/2017

Dear Hanh Niem,

You have related in several posts that if you are doing something that causes you suffering, then that action is a product of your ego-mind not your heart and you should reject that guidance because it is not right for you. However, there are times when I try to do something which my heart tells me is important for me to do to make further progress on the path or get past an important problem in my life, but proceeding with that causes endless suffering and much doubt and confusion. It feels like I’m going against my nature and best interests despite my heart’s guidance.

Should I therefore question this guidance? Should I reject it?

What Am I To Do

Dear What Am I To Do,

You ask a very good question. So good, that I had to sit with it to see the answer. I knew instinctively that the answer to your question is no, but I didn’t know why. It was confusing.

The Buddha said, “If it causes you suffering, then it is not you, it is not yours, it is not yourself.” And so one should let it go. Reject it.

That teaching is absolute. There is no if’s, and’s, or but’s. So how can I advise you to not reject something that’s causing you to suffer?

Then I remembered the teaching I received on skillful v unskillful desires (see my blog post “How to Desire Yet Not Crave”). Part of that lesson was that even if you have a desire that is skillful … in keeping with the five Precepts … if it is approached from a lack of equanimity, then it becomes an unskillful desire, a craving, and you will suffer. You may still be doing good, but you will suffer. An example is that you want to help people, but you want to do that because you want to be recognized as good. The act is skillful, but the driving force is not.

In your situation, if you are trying to do something which you are sure is guidance coming from your heart, but you are suffering as you try to implement that guidance, then that tells you that you are not approaching the subject matter of the guidance with equanimity. For example, let’s say your heart is telling you to end a relationship because it’s not right for you. But you are confused and suffering because part of you really doesn’t want to end the relationship, so you don’t move forward and when you try to you are beset with pain.

The problem is that you are not approaching this relationship with equanimity. You are not able to say, “If it happens, great. If it doesn’t happen, that’s ok too.” Instead you are approaching it as something essential to your happiness, a need, a craving. And so trying to follow your heart’s guidance is causing you pain.

What you need to do before trying to implement your heart’s guidance is to put yourself in a place of equanimity regarding the relationship. There are many tools I have suggested in various posts to help you reach that place, where you view something in an unattached manner, with dispassion.

In this case, I think the most effective would be to open your heart to embrace all aspects of your being and experience, including the potential ending of this relationship. When you do that, and therefore nothing offends, you will know that you have everything you need inside yourself to be at peace and happy. And when you know that, you will have faith that regardless what life throws your way, all will be well because you will always return home to your unborn Buddha mind and thus be at peace and happy.

Heart or Ego?

8/19/2016

Dear Hanh Niem,

One thing that I constantly struggle with is knowing whether something I decide to do is the result of listening to my heart or if it is a function of my ego. I don’t know if I’m just doubting myself or whether something really is coming from my ego and it just fooled me to thinking it was coming from my heart.

Heart or Ego?

Dear Heart or Ego,

The question you raise is one that every person walking the path, including myself, has to ask oneself pretty much every day because the ego is so sneaky and cunning.

But there is a very straight-forward way of knowing whether your ego is asserting itself or whether you are acting purely from your heart. If something you are doing brings about agitation, fear, or some other negative state, even boredom, then you know that your ego is involved. Because if you are acting solely from your heart, you would not be suffering. Nothing that comes from your heart will cause you suffering.

Now there are two difference possibilities as to what is going on. The first is that the action itself is coming from your ego, not your heart, and therefore is not a skillful action. It is not consistent with the Five Precepts. The second is that the action itself is coming from the heart and consistent with the Precepts … something like helping others or making friends or finding a job … but your ego has become involved in the process and so you become attached to those efforts, you are no longer acting out of equanimity. They thus become unskillful actions and you suffer.

So the next question is how to decide which it is. And you do that by checking the action against the Five Precepts … protecting life, helping others, not engaging in sexual misconduct, listening to others deeply and speaking with loving kindness, and consuming (in the broadest sense of the word … what you read, watch, eat) mindfully only things that nourish and instill peace in your body and soul. (This statement about the Precepts is a paraphrase of Thich Nhat Hanh’s version of the Precepts.)

If the activity is something which is not consistent with the Precepts, then spiritually it is not something you should do. Period. (Note, an activity like finding a job, although not found in the Precepts, is not as such inconsistent with the Precepts. However, if the particular job you are seeking is not consistent with the precepts, for example if the job or the company you would be working for harms others, then that’s something you shouldn’t do.)

If the activity is consistent with the Precepts, then your ego mind has grabbed ahold of it and you need to meditate and give the activity back to your heart. If this is a broader issue for you, then you need to take action to turn you will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature, surrendering your ego. As to how to accomplish that very difficult task I have written many posts, the most recent of which is, “How to Surrender Your Ego or Turn Your Will and Your Life Over to Your True Buddha Nature.”

It says a lot about your practice that you are aware of this issue, because without awareness one has no hope of meeting the challenges of life spiritually and not being in the control of your ego. Even with awareness, the task we set for ourselves in walking the path is difficult. We are only human. Our past has formed our present.

It is important to remember that even if we don’t always succeed in hearing our heart, the fact that we have the intent to do so, the intent of surrendering our ego to our true Buddha nature … it is that intent which is important. Every day we try to follow our spiritual intent. Some days we do better than others, but typically we get better at it as the weeks and years pass.

Unhapppy with the Human Condition

4/20/2016

Dear Hanh Niem,

I have trouble with the teaching that anything outside of us … people, money, jobs, things … cannot be looked to for happiness or to end our suffering. That the search for those things actually causes our unhappiness or suffering. That we can only look to ourselves to be happy or end our suffering. If that is the human condition that is terrible. Why bother?

Unhappy with the Human Condition

Dear Unhappy with the Human Condition,

You are hardly alone. Many years ago, towards the beginning of my practice, I asked a traveling monk that if we were all born essentially perfect, why was it that we all suffer. His answer was that it’s just the way it is. That it’s like the laws of thermodynamics.

That is indeed the answer … things are the way they are because it’s just the way it is. And the sooner we accept and embrace that fact, the sooner that we will be at peace and happy.

However, that is only the answer as far as it goes. The other part is that things are the way they are because man, from almost the beginning, has made a mess of using the gift of his mind. Generally, once mankind left a communal lifestyle, instead of using his mind for the good of all, he has used it for his own personal gain. And the rest as they say, is history.

It is man that has developed what is often mistakenly referred to as “the human condition” … an insecure, samsara-filled condition. But it is not. It is a man-made condition. The true human condition is the one that each and everyone of us was born with … the true Buddha mind, at peace and happy.

But since we are thrust virtually the moment after birth into a world devised by man which is hostile and ego-oriented, the opposite of loving and nurturing, we develop into insecure beings who in turn do what we think we need to in order to protect ourselves. Most people try to exercise power over others in whatever way they can; some do the opposite and retreat into a shell. It is a vicious cycle and the root of man’s samsara.

So while what you say is true … that we can only find peace and happiness by going within ourselves and reconnecting with our heart, our true Buddha nature, and seeing things through its eyes … it is not true that our suffering is a function of the human condition. Our suffering is a man-made creation. Peace and happiness is the true human condition.

Show Me The Way

1/9/2016

Dear Hanh Niem,

I have been practicing for quite a few years. I meditate pretty regularly. I do feel my life is calmer than it was, but I after a period of relative peace, my mind regularly grabs me and takes me on a very bumpy ride. I am still full of anger and negativity which gets set off by things that push my buttons. I am very disappointed with my progress.

Show Me the Way

Dear Show Me the Way,

Your disappointment with the results of practice is very common. And if I read between the lines correctly, the reason for your disappointment is also very common. Many people are serious about wanting to end their suffering and follow the Buddhist path, and yet they push back against the very things that the Buddha taught was necessary to end suffering.

And what is that? Basically, to let go of all our feelings and perceptions, all our cravings, everything that defines us in our mind and how we view the world around us, based on our learned experience. And in place of that mental construct, return to our essence, our true Buddha nature, our heart … which is full of light and love, at one with all things, experiencing all things directly with dispassion, accepting that things are the way they are because it’s just the way it is, and knowing that we have everything we need inside ourselves to be at peace and happy.

This is not an easy task by any means. First, we are talking about changing the habit-energies that have built up over a lifetime and are all that we know. Second, we cannot fathom what we or our life would be like if we did as the Buddha taught; it is so foreign to us, even if we have had momentary glimpses of our true Buddha nature. Third, our ego-mind is very strong, with deep roots in our being, and will not give up its perceived role as protector of us without a fight.

It you truly want to find peace and happiness, two things are of critical importance. Your faith in the teachings of the Buddha and in your own true Buddha nature must be strong, without any doubt. And you must commit yourself, you must have the intent to let go anything that disturbs your heart’s inherent peace and happiness.

For more, see my recent blog post, “What Price Peace and Happiness?”

Confused

8/18/2015

Dear Hanh Niem,

I’m confused. You and others say that all our emotions, all our feelings and perceptions are learned experience and are just a product of our mind. And that because they cause us suffering we know they are not ours, not our self because our self would not cause us suffering.

How can that be true of love? Or of feeling that someone or something is good or kind or true?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Thank you for asking this question, as it is confusing for many people trying to walk the path. The confusion is caused not by your lack of understanding but by the lack of clarity and specificity in my own and other’s writings/teachings.

Every label that we apply, whether it’s a good label or a bad label, is a product of our learned experience and is thus just a product of our mind. Such labels, have no inherent value; they are not intrinsic. And they cause us suffering because we generally always attach ourselves to these labels, what the Buddha called “clinging attributes.” With attachment comes inevitable frustration and suffering.

Let’s take love, for example. We meet someone and the person is funny or smart or good-looking or thoughtful or the sex is good or whatever and we put these perceptions together at some point and our mind says that we love the person. We feel in love and are often swept away by the emotion. It’s a very pleasurable emotion, until the relationship fails. Then, because we are attached to this love, we feel bereft and distraught and often angry. We suffer.

Typically what is really happening in a relationship is that the person is meeting various needs of ours … we like being catered to, to be in the company of someone funny, have simulating conversation, and good sex … and that is why we feel in love with the person. But as Krishnamurti wrote in Freedom from the Known, one cannot love someone if one needs the person, because need is conditional and true love is unconditional. One can only truly love someone for who the person is, not for what he or she does for us. So what we thought was love really wasn’t love at all.

Indeed, that is why there is so much divorce. People grow and change, and as they do their needs change. Because the basis of the relationship was meeting needs, when the other person is no longer meeting those needs, we no longer feel “in love” with the person. Ergo, divorce.

Right emotions and perceptions, on the other hand, come from our heart, from our true Buddha nature, our unborn Buddha mind. These are a function of Right View, the first of the Noble Eightfold Path. These are not dependent; they are not a product of our learned experience or our mind. These are not a function of ego, of not-self. These are not impermanent. These are intuitive.

Unfortunately, there is no way to talk about these various truths other than using the same words that have been developed to describe their dependent versions … love, right, wrong, good, bad. One sees this even in the term “Right View.” And so it can be very confusing.

Here’s another example. A well known Buddhist concept is that there is no right or wrong. Well that seems like a ridiculous statement. How can that be so? Look at all the evil in the world, all the people who do others harm.

What the Buddhist statement really means is that any perception of right or wrong that comes from the mind, from our learned experience, is empty, it is conditional, it is a product of our mind and is not necessarily a reflection of reality. To understand what is truth in the Buddhist sense, I can do no better that to quote these lies from an ancient Chinese poem, “Affirming Faith in Mind.”

The great way is not difficult for those who do not pick and choose.
When preferences are cast aside the way stands clear and undisguised.
If you would clearly see the truth, discards opinions pro and con.
To founder in like and dislike is nothing but the mind’s disease.
And not to see the way’s deep truth disturbs the mind’s essential peace.

Clearly, being one with your unborn Buddha mind is not to lack discernment. It’s that the discernment comes from the heart, from the Buddha mind, not from our learned experience and our ego thinking-mind. One sees the truth without exercising power of mind. And because these are not a product of our mind, we do not become attached to them, we do not cling to them.

So whether we encounter a person or a situation that we discern as harmful or joyful, we are aware but our mind rests undisturbed. We do not get agitated or excited. We do not take it personally. We have compassion. As the Chinese poem noted above states, “Thought cannot reach this sate of truth, here feelings are of no avail.”

I hope this has made the teaching less confusing, if not clear.

What To Trust?

11/22/2014

Dear Hanh Niem,

I am so torn. The teaching I have received tells me one thing about how I should act and react, but my mind tells me, really insists, that I act and react a different way. It gives me no space. I am so full of fear and anger. But I don’t feel I can trust anything other than my feelings regardless what the teaching tells me.

What To Trust?

Dear What To Trust,

It is not unusual, even for those who have been practicing diligently for years, to be overwhelmed with some regularity by the power of their ego-mind. It is much stronger and aggressive than your true Buddha nature, which is generally passive.

The first question to ask yourself is whether you truly believe in your true Buddha nature? Do you believe in the teachings of the Buddha?

If the answer to these questions is not an unequivocal, “yes,” then you have to go back to the teachings and find that belief if you want to end your suffering.

If you do believe, there is unfortunately no short cut to ending this conflict within yourself. To review the whole process in a nutshell, look at my blog post, “End of Suffering Cheat Sheet.”

But one way to ease into the process and hopefully bring you some relief is the answer to your question, “What to trust?” What you should trust is your true Buddha nature and that if you walk the path, regardless what life throws at you, all will be well because you will always return to your true Buddha nature (even if there is a substantial detour!) and be at peace and find happiness in each moment.

What you should not trust are your feelings, perceptions, emotions, etc. … the five skandhas. As the Buddha taught, because these feelings and perceptions cause you suffering, they are not you, they are not yours, they are not your self. Your true self would not cause you suffering.

And so being aware of this, if becomes easier to view your feelings and perceptions with dispassion, to let them go, to not attach or obsess about them. They are not your feelings and perceptions, but feelings and perceptions that have been placed upon you by the culture and your learned experiences.

Once you become aware that your feelings and perceptions are not to be trusted, that they are not you, and believe the truth of this, you will be empowered to not attach to these feelings and perceptions and gain the necessary breathing room to connect and listen to your true Buddha nature.

Have No Peace

10/15/2014

Dear Hanh Niem,

I am trying to move forward with my life but am beset with doubts and feel very anxious about the future. My life is agony. What I want isn’t much, but still I’m not making any progress. I have no peace.

Please help.

Have No Peace

Dear Have No Peace,

The Buddha taught that the source of all our suffering is craving. When you crave something as you do ... you want to change your life very badly ... whether it’s something large or small, close at hand or out of reach, you will suffer and be frustrated and anxious if you don’t attain what you want. And if you do, you will suffer because the mind always wants more; it is never satisfied with achieving one’s goal.

The problem is not that you’d like to make some change in your life; the problem is that you’re coming from a place that is lacking in equanimity. You do not embrace your life as it is now and find happiness in it. You are not at peace with the present. And so you are attached to your need to change. You crave it.

What you need to do is practice being present ... being aware that this is the only reality, all else is thought.

Then, you must practice being aware that all your feelings and perceptions are a product of your learned experience, a creature of your mind, and thus have no inherent existence. And when you achieve this awareness, choose to let your feelings go, to not be drawn into the web of your mind which only leads to frustration and anxiety.

At this point, you are able to be at one with all things, experiencing things directly with dispassion, free of labels, knowing that things are the way they are because it’s just the way it is. Then your mind rests undisturbed, all mental obstructions cease to be ... doubt and confusion, fear and anxiety, anger and negativity ... and thus at peace, you will be open to receiving all that the present moment has to offer, be grateful, and find happiness in each moment.

Only when you have achieved this state will you be in a state of equanimity from which you can plan to make changes in your life without getting caught up in the web of your ego-mind. As my song, “There’s Nothing Like Today,” says, if you aren’t at peace in the present, you won’t be at peace in the future.

You have a clear and practical choice to make. Do you really want to be at peace and content? If so, you need to follow the path of the Buddha as best you can and not be drawn into the web of your ego-mind.

Obviously, this process I’ve summarized is far more complex and difficult than I’ve been able to discuss in my response. For more on this, see my blog post, “End of Suffering Cheat Sheet,” as well as the other posts referred to as well as my books.

Trying to Be Present

5/26/2014

Dear Hanh Niem,

I have been meditating daily for many years and have found considerable peace in my life. Most of the major things that I used to crave are no longer a concern. I have effectively turned my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature, as you suggest in your 12 steps post.

Yet on an almost a daily basis, as soon as I’m off the cushion, my mind takes over and pulls me into its web of fear and anxiety, anger and negativity, whatever. This usually involve small, relatively inconsequential things, yet they cause me to be unsettled. Regardless what I vow to do throughout the day to stay present, etc. while in my meditation, it’s gone, I am not aware when I am off the cushion.

What do I do?

Trying to Be Present

Dear Trying to Be Present,

This is one of the most common problems we have in walking the path. As you know from my posts, I would include myself in that number. Recently I had an experience that may be helpful to you.

When I travel, especially by plane, there are many things that I get nervous about, things that could go wrong, and I get easily agitated when things don’t go smoothly. The first part of a recent trip was no different. Lots of teachable moments, but I wasn’t present at the time.

During a meditation on the morning of my return trip, I once again questioned how I can be more present throughout the day. I knew I needed to approach the day as a spiritual challenge. Focusing on your breathing doesn’t really help, because one can’t focus on your breathing all the time; one is too easily distracted by all the things you are dealing with. Stopping periodically helps, but that only gets one so far.

But I thought what about just having as my constant mantra, “it’s just the way it is,” and thus being open to receiving all the each present moment has to offer, embracing each moment, and finding happiness in each moment.

Before my meditation, my ego thinking-mind was already thinking about all the things to be nervous about. After my meditation, the difference in my state of mind was immediately palpable. I was present, aware of all that the present moment offered and felt at peace and happy. Throughout the day, that state of mind continued ... being aware that things were just the way they were and thus being able to be aware of the beauty of the evening sky, small architectural details, the people around me ... whether at the departure airport or on return dealing with the unbelievably complicated process of getting transportation to the off-site lot to where my car was parked.

My traveling companion was amazed at how I just floated through the system and took everything as it came. He said it was like traveling with a different person. It was very empowering.

The next morning at home, however, I quickly became aware that my mind was up to its old tricks. And I realized that in this space of comfort, my home, I was spiritually lazy.

I was reminded that regardless of my comfort, each day needs to be approached as a spiritual challenge. Every moment needs to be approach with the perspective that it’s just the way it is and being open to receiving all that that moment has to offer, embracing the moment, and finding happiness in that moment.

Not being enlightened, I have tried various methods to increase my awareness during the day which have worked to at least some extent. Or at least for some period of time till I became lazy or distracted and fell into the trap of my mind.

We will see how this new practice works as the days and the weeks pass. At least it is clear to me from my last travel experience that not only do I have a choice, but that if I approach it in the right way it will truly make a radical difference to how I experience the moment and the day. I do have the practical choice to be present, aware of the emptiness of all five skandhas, at one with all things, and experience all things directly, with dispassion, free of labels, free of the intervention of my ego thinking-mind, thus being open to receiving all the the present moment offers and be at peace and find happiness in the moment.

I had an empowering experience. It is up to me to be disciplined in walking the path and applying its teachings every moment of every day. It is possible. As they say in 12 step programs, “the program works if you work it.” But one does need to work it, implement your spiritual choices, every moment of every day. If not, your ego-thinking mind will seize the opening and take control.

Tired of Anger

3/31/2014

Dear Hanh Niem,

I have been practicing Buddhism for quite some time and meditate regularly. At times I experience calm, and what I would call peace and happiness, but much of the time I continue to be consumed by anger, by negativity, by fear ... It exhausts me. When I am not in that space, I know those emotions are harmful to me, and yet I can’t seem to free myself from them. I need help.

Tired of Anger

Dear Tired of Anger,

What you describe is a common experience of those trying to walk the path. One must remember that you are trying to change the habit-energies that have entrenched themselves in you over a lifetime ... to lead your life in a way which is not supported by your upbringing and the dominant culture. Worse, those factors actively oppose, create barriers to, the spiritual life you aspire to.

People often ask, “Why do I continue to react to things in a way which I know is harmful to me?” If you read my blog post, “The Mystery of the Ego - An Answer,” you’ll see that I realized one day that what I refer to as “little Ronnie,” myself as a child. constructed a host of mechanisms to “protect” me from what in his eyes was seen as a social/family environment where I was not wanted, not loved, etc. ... the source of his deep insecurity. So my ego thinking-mind sees these mechanisms, these behaviors, as protecting me, and as a result it is intransigent and resists any efforts to alter these habit-energies. Never mind that they are in reality very harmful.

Our tendency to be consumed by anger, negativity, and similar emotions are part of the same phenomenon. You may even have felt that there seems to be something you like, that feels good about being angry, expressing negativity towards others. It’s an odd sensation.

The reason is that when we are angry we feel self-righteous, we feel better than others. And why do we like feeling self-righteous? Because it’s a mechanism to flee from our deep feelings of insecurity.

The same thing is true for feeling victimized, which is often tied to feeling anger. Why would someone like feeling victimized? Because then there is someone else to blame for the situation, not themselves. If someone is secure, they can face their own blame. But if someone is insecure, the mind runs from self-blame. This is not to say that anyone should beat themselves up, but accepting responsibility rather than blaming someone else is another matter. That is a healthy perspective.

How you free yourself from being controlled by your ego thinking-mind in this way requires a very disciplined approach to meditation and your spirituality, and usually the passage of much time. If you haven’t been reading my blog, you might want to start with my recent post, “The End of Suffering Cheat Sheet,” which will give you an overview of the process.