But the other day while meditating, I realized that my conclusion was wrong. I have been going through what could be a very trying and stressful time with great equanimity and have been at peace. I have been totally free of agitation, fear and anxiety (with the exception noted in my post, “How I Failed Myself”).
The only way I could go through this extended period, and my life in general, without being agitated by all the challenges and things that in the past would have agitated me would be if I had been successful in turning my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature. Of that there can be no question. This is proof.
What I realized that morning was that because I am not an enlightened one, while I may have turned my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature, my ego-mind is still active within me and will assert itself every chance it gets. Those two states are not mutually inconsistent. Ninety-five percent of the time I experience a tranquil state which amazes me. Most everyone around me is agitated by the state of things, but I am at peace.
The fact that with some regularity my ego-mind arises and takes control of me for some short period of time does not gainsay my overall spiritual state. It is just an example of my humanity and my imperfection.