That state probably best describes the impact of walking around, as I’ve described, always feeling like there was a grey cloud over my head, that there was always something from my past weighing me down. I never had a carefree day, not because I was attached to things, which I of course was, but because the ambience of my ego-mind was so dark.
This certainly fits perfectly with what I’ve discovered about my unknown, buried trauma recently and shared in a recent post. It also gives credence to something I experienced in a recent meditation but have not spoken about.
When my true Buddha self was searching for that deep trauma, it came to me that as I was born in January, 1944, to parents who had fled the holocaust, my past soul was probably someone who was gassed or shot on that day during the holocaust. (While I do not believe in the Buddhist tradition of reincarnation, I have come to believe in a variation of it. See my post, “Reincarnation - An Unorthodox Take.”)
That would certainly explain the dark ambience that I have always been aware of. And I know now, as explained in my post, “Trauma,” that until I am able to feel that past pain fully, the trauma will not be healed and it will not be released. My work is cut out for me.
In the meantime, I accept that my life is exactly that way it is right now at this moment and release all desire that my life be different in any way at this moment. And I am adopting the attitude of que sera sera regarding the future. Thus when I open my heart to embrace all aspects of my being and experience … regarding the past I embrace all trauma and feel the pain, regarding the present I know that things are the way they are because it’s just the way it is and have no desire for things to be any different than they are at this moment, and regarding the future, que sera sera.
This slightly reconstructed practice is providing me with an experience of lightness of being which is new to me. It feels very comforting to say, “que sera sera.” This is certainly not my default mode at this time; my trauma ambience is still prevalent. But I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.