Blog Archives

Shame

7/25/2018

Shame is something that we all feel at times. Shame is also something that some of us feel almost all the time. There is a difference.

As described in various spiritual writings, there is healthy shame and there is toxic shame. Healthy shame is a feeling that you did something that harmed someone or otherwise was something that you shouldn’t have done. This is the shame that we all feel at times. It is healthy because it is a learning tool that makes it less likely that you will do something similar in the future.

Toxic shame is not feeling that we did something bad, but that we are bad. It is an internalized feeling that there is something wrong, something bad about us. And this shame is not a learning experience nor is it transitory. It sits within you and grows like a cancer, impacting your self-esteem, your self-image, and your ability to experience peace and happiness. That is why it is toxic.

If you feel this toxic shame, you must sit with it and rid yourself of that feeling. Otherwise you will find no inner peace and happiness. How do you do this? You apply mindfulness meditation. When you meditate, first sit with your breath for a few moments. Then sit with your feeling of shame; observe it without any judgment. Observe how you experience it on all levels, physically and mentally. Observe the source of this feeling, going ever deeper in time to the original source.

When you arrive at the original source, you will discover that this feeling of shame did not come from within you, but was impressed upon you from without … whether from your family, peers, or the surrounding culture. And so you will realize that this dreadful feeling you have had for most of your life is just a product of your mind. It is not reality.

You may indeed have done something that you shouldn’t have, but that does not make you a bad person. It’s even possible that you did nothing wrong at all! But because you were probably shamed repeatedly from without for this or similar actions, you ultimately came to identity yourself as bad. Family, peers, and our culture have huge power over how we view ourselves.

And so with this awareness, perform the practice of identifying this feeling of shame and saying, “Not me!” This shame does not come from my true self. Then open up your heart and embrace all aspects of your being and experience, including both the acts you did as well as the shaming you experienced from without. It’s all just something that happened.

This will begin to heal the wound and remove all internal struggle with the shame. When you meditate next and return home to your heart, your true self, you will experience the goodness and love that is within you and be free of this shame. You will love yourself unconditionally. Give yourself a hug! If you cry, it’s a good cry; it’s healthy, cathartic.

Note that this will most likely not be the end of the story, as with all things of the mind. The shame you feel has very deep roots, and the ego-mind will not let go of it so easily. And so you will probably have to repeat these steps numerous times. But each time, the strength of the shame will lessen, and finally you will be freed, not just during meditation but throughout the day.

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Making Peace with the Outside; Making Peace with the Inside

7/15/2018

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In trying to develop a life of peace and happiness and equanimity, the challenges as you well know are many. There are challenges from the outside world … the dysfunction which undeniably exists and which acts as a catalyst for our buttons being pushed … and of course from the inside, from our ego-mind … all the emotions, judgments, cravings, and attachments it has developed as its reaction to these outside stimuli.

Recently, I read something that suggested that you should first make peace with the outside. With that taken care of, you can more clearly and easily make peace with the inside.

Let’s examine that idea. Can you say, “It’s just the way it is,” can you accept your life as being the way it is right now, while the emotions of your ego mind are still running full throttle?

My first reaction was to say, no. The ego-mind is so strong that if one attempts to deal with the outside separately, it won’t work.

But then I thought of an example from my own life where that wasn’t the case. I have always gotten very upset by the incompetence of others or their unprofessionalism. One time I was traveling by plane to Mexico with a friend and there were many such experiences along the way which agitated me. A lot. I was so agitated that it ruined the trip there for my companion.

And so on the morning of the trip back, I said to myself that I was going to treat everything as “it’s just the way it is.” And in my meditation, I imagined various things happening and responding to those experiences with an “oh well” attitude, and instead being conscious of anything along the way that was a source of happiness, beauty.

And it worked. Nothing agitated me, and I truly found happiness in almost every moment. Just because I was in a different mental/spiritual space. I just did it. I worked around my ego-mind rather than against it. My friend said it was like traveling with a difference person.

That was a game changing experience for me. I knew without any doubt that the reality that I thought I was experiencing was not reality at all. It was my ego-mind’s reaction to reality.

So from my own experience I would say that it is possible, and beneficial, to make peace with the outside first. Then it becomes easier to make peace with the inside, to see that all your emotions, etc., are just a function of your ego-mind, not your true self, and to let them go without feeling that you’re compromising your integrity. You’ve already seen that you can have a fine time even when things happen that would have upset you. You are able to see your emotions as much ado about something small.

So give it a try. Take one specific thing that you are likely to encounter which would normally agitate you and instead have the intent of responding, “it’s just the way it is,” and finding happiness in the moment, something of beauty or interest. And then just do it. Then apply this process to another situation, and then another. Finally apply it to everything you encounter.

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Making Lists - Objectifying Your Fears, the Things That Push Your Buttons

7/6/2018

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Recently I was told of a very practical process that helps free yourself from your fears and other emotions. Objectify your emotions.

When our emotions are called up, it’s usually in response to some experience, some button of our’s has been pushed. When that happens, it’s truly almost impossible to interrupt the habit-energy response because it happens so quickly. And once it takes off we usually are carried away on its wave, without the ability to center ourselves until it runs its course and we drop exhausted.

The idea here is to itemize your fears and other emotions while you are present, not in an emotional state. By thinking about them free of their catalyst, you will be able to see things clearly. Make a list, both of the underlying facts that push your buttons and your habitual emotional response. Think about the cause and effect.

You may feel that the facts are in reality no big deal; not worth all the drama. Or you may confirm that the facts are truly serious, but you’ll see that your emotional reaction is over-the-top and harms you in at least two ways. First, it is emotionally exhausting. Second, it prevents you from dealing with the situation in a rational way, which would be in your best interest.

After you’ve made your list and thought about it, the next time you meditate, imagine one of these situations occurring and see how you could respond differently, not with the emotion of your habit-energy. Feel how the situation would play out differently, better for you, then it otherwise would.

After you’ve made the list and done the imagining exercise, it is less likely that when the situation happens again, you will respond with your habit-energy. This is a very useful tool.

And as always, I need to say that this is not a once and done thing. Your habit-energy is ingrained in you; its roots are very deep. So this is an exercise you will need to repeat. And that’s ok. Walking the path is not about perfection. It’s about having the intent to always improve one’s life by being in touch with your true self, your heart.

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What Are We Celebrating on July 4th?

7/4/2018

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July 4th ... Independence Day ... is fraught with symbolism.  It's the beginning of American exceptionalism, the beginning of America taking its place on the world’s stage, the beginning of freedom and prosperity for Americans.

There is no question that 1776 marked the beginning of America's feeling that it was exceptional and that its moral voice coupled with its growing economic strength gave it a place on the world’s stage.  But what of freedom and prosperity?

We all know the famous lines from the Declaration of Independence, crafted primarily by Thomas Jefferson ... “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men.”

These were truly revolutionary words.  They have given America’s elite something to crow about.  And they have given the mass of Americans, especially the disadvantaged, something to hang their hopes on for more than two centuries.  This was the basis of the American dream.  But what were and are the facts on the ground?

Those that benefitted from our independence were primarily those with business interests, who were now free of the yoke of English taxes and control.   Then as now, business interests were the main “client” of government ... indeed, back then you could only vote if you owned land or had enough wealth to be taxed, so those were the constituents ... and they prospered then as they do now.

As of the first census in 1790, 18% of the US population (700,000 out of 4,000,000) were slaves.  Their status certainly did not change with American independence.  That would have to wait another 85 years for the Civil War and the Emancipation Proclamation.  Of the Founding Fathers who were slave holders, only George Washington freed his slaves, upon his death.  Jefferson did not even do that.

The status of women ... the wives of the founders and the mothers of their children ... did not change at all with independence.  They remained chattel with no rights for a century, slowly achieving some rights in the later 1800s, and only won the right to vote in 1920 with the ratification of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution.

Over the last century, there can be no question that both women and, to a lesser extent, blacks have improved their status in all areas of American business and life  But there can also be no question that even today neither have reached anything approaching equality with white males and that broad discrimination persists.

And then there are the Native Americans.  They had a status lower than slaves because they were of no use to anyone.  They were just a heathen barrier to be gotten rid of when their presence interfered with American interests.   Our genocide of the Native American (and what else can it honestly be called) is breathtakingly chilling.   Manifest Destiny had no room for equality.

And as for general prosperity, while it is true that we all have more now than we did … more education, more modern conveniences, creature comforts … it is also true that there is greater inequality between the richest Americans (top 5%) and the rest then at any time.  If you look at broader groups ... top 20%, middle 40, and bottom 40 ... the income distribution has remained pretty static since independence.  So we really haven’t achieved much of anything on that point.

So what are we celebrating?  Some moving, aspirational words which we have still not managed ... or if truth be told, even tried very hard ... to implement.  As President Obama said, “We can do better.”

We are celebrating the birth of a nation whose unbridled capitalism was able to take full advantage of the opportunities presented by the natural resources of this vast country and a bottomless pool of cheap immigrant labor to make this the richest nation in the world.  We are celebrating a rapacious America which, while being the leader of the free world, despoiled the environment and took advantage of the mass of its powerless citizens, leaving a damaged people and landscape in the wake of “progress.”

Instead of celebrating so hard and patting ourselves on the back for how great America is, we should use this opportunity to rededicate ourselves and our institutions of government to implementing those words of the Declaration of Independence: “that all men are created equal,” “that they have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” and that the role of government is to “secure” those rights.  We should never forget that in reality most of our citizens have little cause to celebrate if they stopped to think about it.

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