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The New Me - i not I

1/19/2018

My last few posts have explained how I came to understand that I had unwittingly been strengthening my ego through my verbal reliance on “I” rather than my true Buddha self.

Then yesterday morning while meditating, I puzzled on how to get around the fact that the use of the term “I” is so natural and logical when talking about myself, even when not referring to my ego but to my true self, or as in my book title, “the self in no self.” And I hit upon the following.

When speaking, there’s nothing I can do. But when I’m writing, instead of writing “I” I will write “i.” The capital “I” symbolically refers to the ego; it thinks of itself as large relative to everything else. The small “i” refers to my true self, my Buddha nature, who realizes that i am just a small part in the larger scheme of things.

And so from this point forward, unless i am referring specifically to my ego, i will always use “i” when referring to my true self, the unity between me and my heart, my true Buddha nature. One more aspect of turning my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature.

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My Daily Task - 2

1/13/2018

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After I became aware that I was unwittingly empowering my ego (see my post “The Last Remnants of the Ego”), I further realized when I meditated the next morning that the way in which I defined my daily tasks, in the post of that title, was also an ego statement.

It is not that “I” need to love myself unconditionally. It is not that “I” need to have faith that all will be well regardless what life throws my way. It is not that “I” need to be present and grateful. It is not that “I” need to ward against the ego pulling me from my natural state by its fears and desires.

Instead, my daily task is to turn my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature. If I do that, I am one with his unconditional love, with his faith, with his being present and grateful. And it is he who will say “no” to my ego-mind and just watch it subside.

The steps I outlined in the post still hold. That is how I turn my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature each day. That is how I let go of the feelings and perceptions that are a product of my ego-mind. But the end result is not enabling “ME” to fulfill my daily tasks; it is to take the burden off me and allow my true Buddha nature to fulfill those tasks.

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The Remnants of the Ego

1/1/2018

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Even if you have turned your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature, even if you have said “Not me!” to your ego and all its manifestations, even if you have opened up your heart to embrace all aspects of your being and experience and are over yourself … even then the ego not only exists as part of you, as it always will, but we unmindfully, unwittingly, give it an ongoing active presence in our daily lives.

The other day I was talking with a friend and was explaining how I, like everyone, had to be ever vigilant of the ego arising, and when it did I needed to say, “no,” and return to my heart. He commented that both actions … being vigilant of the ego arising and “I” saying no to it … were manifestations of my ego and I was empowering it. My initial reaction was to disagree. But as I thought about it, I realized that he was correct.

By turning my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature and opening up my heart to embrace all aspects of my being and experience, two things follow. The first is that I identify with my Buddha nature, my heart, rather than with my ego-mind. I have given it/him the responsibility for deciding matters of judgment and as a result a burden has been lifted from me. The second is that nothings offends, and so all internal and external struggle cease to be and I know I have everything I need inside myself to be at peace and happy. And so I nullify the impact of my ego-mind. I no longer am in a struggle with my ego-mind because I have moved to a different plane.

But when the literature speaks about the never-ending struggle between light and darkness, between our heart and our ego-mind, when it says that we have the responsibility to say “no” to our ego-mind, I read that as being “my” responsibility, “my” struggle. I owned it and it became an ego statement, rather than my saying that having turned my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature, there is no struggle and it is my true Buddha nature who will say “no.”

I also became aware that my speech habit continues a heavy use of the word, “I.” And at this point in my practice, when my identification with my true Buddha nature is still in its infancy, every time I use the word, “I,” it is I realize a statement of ego, not one of my true Buddha nature.

So when I have said in the past that I have the responsibility to say “no” to my ego-mind, to reject its guidance, it’s paradoxically a statement that actually burnishes my ego. The problematic use of the word “I” is also shown when I say that something offends me, or I don’t like something; those are ego statements without question. The words of “like” and “offend” are not in the vocabulary of my true Buddha nature. Yet such thoughts flow effortlessly.

The Buddha said that freeing oneself from the conceit of “I am,” is one of the greatest blessings. Yet how to do that when the word “I” is constantly in use?

Meditating on this conundrum, the seemingly inescapable use of the word, “I,” I realized that at least for now, some other word needs to be substituted. I tried several options that didn’t worked. The only one that works, although cumbersome, is to say, “my true Buddha nature.” So for example, “my true Buddha nature opens up my heart and says no to the guidance of the ego-mind.” And if every time I start making a judgmental statement I were to say “my true Buddha nature …,” the invalidity of the statement would be clear on its face and so judgments would cease. I, my true Buddha nature, would be aware of the situation, but there would be no labels, no judgments.

But it also means truly implementing, in a very practical way, turning things over to my Buddha nature. Stop trying to figure out, using my mind, what to do. The mind is there to figure out how to do things, not what to do. Although it wants to be in control. That must come from the heart. So gather my facts, but then, as my friend says, give it over to my heart to provide me with an answer. And when it speaks I will know it because it’s very different from when my mind tells me to do something. I will hear it either while meditating or something as an epiphany out of the blue during the day.

This is but another example of the truth that we are constantly growing, the path never ends, the struggle between light and darkness never ceases.

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