All Categories

Fear v Faith

12/26/2022

I watched a powerful video recently in which Latoya Okela taught that the spiritual struggle comes down to fear v faith. And that fear is stronger than faith. Therefore, we must double down on our work to find absolute faith.

And we must find that faith within us, not just say to ourselves that we have faith. The latter has some value, but I can guarantee based on my own experience, that if there is a shred of doubt within you about your faith, that the mind will assert itself and take control.

Everything that we think, say, or do that causes us suffering is at its core a function of fear. Even insecurity, which I have written is at the core, is based on fear.

I must face it. You must face it. Everyone must face it. And the only way to finally overcome fear is through absolute faith. Without that faith, all effort to free oneself of fear by embracing it, having compassion for it, saying "Not me!" or any of the other means I have suggested in my posts will not work. Because some part of you, regardless how small, does not really believe in your faith and therefore your efforts lack the force of faith.

I have learned to be dispassionate in my reaction to things that had previously caused anxiety, nothing pushes my buttons, and I thought that meant fear was no longer there, but I realized one recent morning in my meditation that it is; it just doesn't express itself in the obvious way.

I have written several posts on faith, and they remain of value. But I have realized that there is a hole in the dyke of my faith. And it is because of that hole that I keep on experiencing situations in which my mind asserts itself and controls my actions, which I always am surprised at and share in my posts.

Usually I have dug deeper into my trauma and found something I hadn't been aware of before. But that's not the problem. The problem is the hole in my faith. Bach wrote a famous hymn, "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God." The same can be said of faith. But if your faith has a weak point, it will crumble and not protect you, just like a fortress that is built on a weak foundation.

So I will work on making my faith absolute.

For that reason, this will be my last post for some time. Why? I have discovered that this blog and other writing of mine has been my mind's way of showing that I am right, that I have knowledge, and gaining the acknowledgment and respect of others. It is a craving of mine.

This is an example of the weakness of my faith. If it were absolute, I would not crave the acknowledgment of others. It would not be a driving force in almost everything that I do.

In one of my books, I said, after going through a list of suggested actions, "just do it." And that is the case here as well. And so I will stop feeding that craving until I find that my faith is absolute.

Actually, the very process of not feeding the craving will allow me to feel that my faith is absolute. We don't have to find faith so much as stop doing things, thinking things, that interfere with the faith that is part of our birthright as a child of the universe.

May you experience peace and happiness.

0 Comments

The Miracle That Is You

12/24/2022

0 Comments

Several months ago, I was developing a course for 10-13 year-olds on how to free themselves from the negative baggage they carry and instead feel good about the human beings they are. And because this course was being taught in a public school, I had to do it free of any spiritual concepts because the school would not allow that; many parents would object to such teaching in the school.

In thinking about this challenge, I came up with the idea that the "proof" that we are all born essentially perfect can be found in the scientific fact that we develop from a single cell to become the person we are. We know from science that every form of life, including humans, develops from a single cell that contains all the information to make it what it becomes - whether plant or animal - and how all its different parts work in concert to sustain life.

Think of it, everything about your body and brain and its functioning was contained, was programmed, in the single cell from which your life started. Life, and that means you, are a miracle!

So it makes sense that the life force of the universe is embedded in each single cell from which all things grow. And that all things – human, animal, and plant - are essentially perfect at birth. When you think of the miracle of what becomes of that single cell, this is beyond logical. Regardless what one thinks the driving force in the universe is, whether it's God-driven or evolution, how could the truth be other than all things are at birth essentially perfect?

Now, of course I know that some people are born with physical or mental genetic abnormalities or damage caused by external forces such as drugs or stress while in the mother's womb, which is tragic, but they are still essentially perfect human beings. Perfect here refers to one's spirit, the quality of your heart, not to one’s physical attributes or mental strength.

And so each and every one of us is born a child of the universe. It is often said, when referring to someone before they were born or even conceived, that they were "a twinkling in their parents' eyes." But that is not accurate. The twinkling in the parent's eyes was about sex, not about the child.

The child instead was a twinkling in the eye of the universe. The sex act of the parents was just the method, like a butterfly or bee spreading pollen from flower to flower, for the universe to create new life, be it plant, animal, or human.

As so the birth of each person on Earth is a miracle of the universe; you are a miracle.

What becomes of plants, animals, and humans after birth is another matter because, as we know, "modern" man has created a world in which man has had and to this day has little concern for the impact of his actions on the healthy development of plants, animals, and humans. And so degradation and suffering abounds.

I have often compared what happens when an animal is born with what happens when a baby is born. A baby’s or new-born animal’s need for nurturing, for unconditional love, is almost without limit. Birth, being thrust out of the womb, has to be a scary experience.

When an animal is born, it is typically licked all over by the mother and is always next to the mother’s warmth. The animal is made to feel secure – if man does not intervene.

When a baby is born, on the other hand, it is slapped on the behind, washed by a stranger, rolled up in a blanket and given to its mother to be held and fed before being put in a basinet by itself. From a baby's perspective, not a good experience. So from the moment of its birth, a baby finds that its needs are not met, and so the first seeds of insecurity are sown. Indeed, there is little thought of the baby's needs other than being fed.

This pattern continues during the baby’s formative first years. For an animal mother, her babies are her first concern; nothing competes with that. Human mothers, parents, have broader concerns.

It’s not that parents don’t love their new child and shower it with attention; it’s that the needs of the baby go beyond what most parents are able to give. Whether it’s how they were raised, whether it’s the demands of work or home, whether it’s having their own problems to worry about … it’s just the way it is. Because parents, though adults, are still the creatures of insecurity and trauma they experienced as children; their inner child is alive and well. (See my book, Raising a Happy Child.)

And so when an animal is weaned and goes off on its own, it has had nothing but secure reinforcements from its mother, it knows its place in the world and everything it needs to do in order to survive. Nature can be cruel, but an animal knows that such is life, and just like the chickens I described in my post, "The Wisdom of Chickens," they go on with their life undisturbed.

For humans, life's scenario is very different.

And so the work of spirituality, of walking the path, is to free oneself from the insecure and emotion-filled world our mind has created from our life experiences and instead reconnect with your true self, your heart, the miracle of the universe that is you.

We must live in this world, and we can do so and not suffer, but only if we approach it on our spiritual terms, not the terms of our mind, not the terms of man.

May you experience peace and happiness.

0 Comments

Speaking to Your Buddha Nature/Divinity/Heart

12/17/2022

0 Comments

Until relatively recently, I was someone who was not comfortable speaking with my Buddha nature or praying to it. My view of prayer was based on what I had learned in Judaism. And not only do I feel that that God (the God of the bible) does not exist, but regardless, the idea of speaking to it or praying to it has never made sense to me. It is to ourselves we must look. That is the lesson of Buddhism.

However, as I related in my post, "Buddhism and the Divine," I understand now that my true Buddha nature, my unborn Buddha mind, is the divine essence inside me, my divinity. And so I can speak with the presence of god (not "God") within me and can pray to it because it is me. I am not praying to the bearded person in the sky, I am praying to the spirit within me. And the abode of that spirit is my heart.

As part of my daily meditation, I have for some time opened up my chakras, and specifically my crown chakra to Buddha, my divinity, and the universe. Recently I have added the following prayer in light of this new understanding:

Lord, please support me in my intent to:
- Live my life on a higher plain, experiencing things with dispassion, free of emotion.
- Be free of cravings and attachments.
- Feel strong, be strong.
- Love myself unconditionally, like myself, feel that I am somebody without needing validation from others
- Manifest financial abundance and good fortune
- Be aware of all that I do and think and its impact on other people
- Empty myself of my ego before you.
- Say, "your will not my mind's."
And so be one with you, with the child of the universe that is me
And be filled with light and abundance.
Radiate that light and abundance,
And so be a light to myself and others.

I am aware, however, that the challenges the world and my ego-mind present me with every day are so numerous that I need to pray not just during my morning meditation, but at points throughout the day if I am to have any realistic hope of keeping to my path with consistency.

But this is not news; I have been aware and said for years how difficult it is to stay on the path throughout the day, to not respond emotionally to the things we experience. And I have suggested various practices to refocus oneself during the day. But while each of these practices worked for a day or two, I quickly forgot to use them; I got distracted by life.

Recently, though, I realized the problem: just like daily meditation practice, one must set aside a time each day that is consistently devoted to supportive meditation/prayer throughout the day. It must become part of one's day, like brushing your teeth or eating.

As I sat with this challenge yet again, I remembered that It is a practice for those of various faiths to say a grace with each meal for precisely this reason. I refer not to the perfunctory, pro-forma grace that has become a meaningless gesture for many, but to a heartfelt and fervent grace. Such a grace keeps one focused on the higher plain and one's connection with a higher power, rather than the issues of your ego and mortal man.

In fact, at the temple I attended in Michigan, when we would have lunch after the meditation service, we would begin with a grace followed by silent eating. I have carried the text of that grace in my wallet for almost 30 years now, so powerful is it, but I have only pulled it out from time to time.

"This food is the gift of the whole universe -- the earth, the sky, and much hard work.
May we live in a way that makes us worthy to receive it.
May we transform our unskillful states of mind.
May we take only foods that nourish us and prevent illness.
We accept this food so that we may realize the path of practice.

The first four mouthfuls
With the first taste, I promise to offer joy.
With the second taste, I promise to help relieve the suffering of others.
With the third taste, I promise to see others’ joy as my own.
WIth the fourth taste, I promise to learn the way of non-attachment and equanimity."

And so I have started a new practice in which I say this Buddhist grace at the beginning of each meal; and after each meal, I recite the above prayer, prefaced by, "Lord, thank you for this food and please . . . "

As a general matter, our relationship with our true Buddha nature/divinity/heart tends to be somewhat distant; we don't really feel that we are one with it; we don't really know what it is. That is not good for one's practice or well-being.

To change that dynamic, it would be very helpful to be in conversation with your divinity, to really make it part of your life – not just your practice – but the whole you. All our lives we've been in constant conversation with our ego-mind, our false self (see my video, "Your Ego ≠ Your True Self"). Having freed ourselves (hopefully) from its control, we must replace that conversation with enriching conversation with our Buddha nature/divinity/heart, which is your true self (see my video "Your True Self = Your Heart").

May you experience peace and happiness.

0 Comments

Being Present Requires Faith

12/11/2022

0 Comments

The Buddhist maxim of being present in the moment cannot be divorced from the maxim of having faith. This is especially true when the present moment is troublesome – so bad that it raises questions in you about your faith. When you cry, "Where is my Buddha nature now? Where is my divine essence?"

This is a wrenching moment for anyone because you don't just have to deal with the pain of the moment, but you have to deal with the pain of lost faith, This is true whether your faith is in the Buddha dharma or in the somewhat expanded version I presented in my post, "Faith: What Is It and Why Is It Essential?"

Regardless, the faith is that you will be psychologically safe, ok, regardless what you encounter in life, what the universe provides, because you have returned home and will always return home to your true Buddha nature, and be filled with its light and love, peace and equanimity, happiness and contentment, faith and strength.

Being present and having faith in the future is not inconsistent. Being present means not fantasizing about the future, not worrying about it, but planning for it while being present as you have been guided. When you have the faith I just described it does not place you in the future nor do you think about it. You just have faith that you will be ok. Which allows you to just be present in the moment; you have no worries.

Be aware that having faith does not mean that you will not have ups and downs. This is a fact of life regardless how deep a person's faith runs. Bad things happen; it's just the way it is.

The important thing is that when you have such moments, you do not succumb to your habitual fears, with emotion; you are aware of where your mind is leading you. And instead listen to your heart; know that having faith, being one with your true Buddha nature, does not mean that there will be no ups and downs; know that all things are impermanent; and have faith that you will ok in the future, that the universe will provide what you need, which is not necessarily what you want. And so you respond to anything that is going on at the moment with dispassion.

For additional thoughts on how to deal with the present being bad, see my post, "What if the Present is Bad?"

May you experience peace and happiness.

0 Comments

Desperate for Love and Acknowledgment?

12/3/2022

0 Comments

Why is our need for love and acknowledgment so desperate?

As a baby, we have an unlimited need for emotional nourishment, love, and security. But from the moment we are born, a baby does not receive what it needs and so the seed of insecurity is formed. See my post, "The Original Trauma – Birth."

Nothing that a child is told or experiences in early childhood or later development sends him the spiritual message that he has everything he needs inside himself to be at peace and happy. A child is by virtue of many circumstances totally dependent on his parents and others to meet his four basic needs - food, freedom from pain, warmth/nurturing, and physical security. That is a fact of life, and when those needs aren't consistently met, the child's insecurity and resulting feeling of need and dependence increases.

A contributing factor is that parents generally want to be needed. That's one of the driving forces for many wanting to have a child. So on the one hand, the parent caters to this need of their child. But the extent of the child's needs are far greater than parents anticipate and can fulfill, they have their own issues and lives to navigate, and so the child often frustrates or annoys a parent. And the child's needs are not met. Worse, the child learns that his needs annoy his parents.

The parent does not have in their background or parenting toolkit the ability to make a child feel that he has what he needs inside himself spiritually to be at peace and happy. To enable him to love himself, to value himself, and respect himself. To not be dependent on others for that sense of well-being. A parent may say, "Take care of it yourself," of something similar, but that does not strengthen the child's feeling of independence, rather it tells him that his parents have no time for him,

It is almost a perfect storm of circumstances that lead a child to grow up feeling on the one hand highly dependent on the love or acknowledgment of others, and yet knowing that other people can mostly not be depended on for that support. Caught in this painful state, he develops a craving to be loved and acknowledged.

This craving exhibits itself in many ways, all of which have negative consequences not just for the individual but for society as a whole. Perhaps the most common is depression. But two others have very significant consequences.

People have a craving to be part of a tribe, for example Trump supporters, AOC supporters, or gang members. In each case they give and expect to receive unflinching and unquestioning loyalty to/from their tribe. The negative consequence is conflict between tribes which is irreducible; the chasm between them cannot be bridged.

The second is rampant sexual activity. Many attribute this to natural biological urges and the failure of social mores. But while both of those are true, the driving force is the craving to be wanted, needed, desired. This isn't just about having children outside of wedlock, it's about irresponsible sexual activity as well as adultery. The latter is often accounted for by saying they lost sexual interest, but it's more that they no longer felt loved and needed and so they go looking for that elsewhere.

To make matters even worse, the child also develops coping skills, such as feeling superior to others, better than others, that have the negative impact of both increasing his distance from those around him and increasing the likelihood that he will not in fact be liked or acknowledged by others. On a societal level, that is what is going on between Trump supporters and progressives. It is nasty.

I once wrote a post in which I explained that all the violence in the world is the result of man's insecurity. And that insecurity is at its core based on the failure of parents to adequately meet the needs of their new-born and developing children. It is unfortunately not enough to love a child. Human parents, or at least one of them, need to be like an animal mother – there is nothing more important to that mother than the safety and well-being of her child/children.

Parents need to be trained to raise a child who feels safe and secure, and themselves feel safe and secure, For that reason, I wrote the book, Raising a Happy Child, which has been acclaimed as "a must read for all parents!" And individuals need to discover their spirituality, their true selves, to free themselves from this oppressive craving. See my "Coming Home" video series and numerous posts.

0 Comments

The Original Trauma - Birth

11/25/2022

0 Comments

Birth, being thrust out of the womb, has to be a scary experience.

When an animal is born, it is typically licked all over by the mother and is always next to the mother’s warmth. The animal is made to feel secure.

But in our culture, on the other hand, when a baby is born it is slapped on the behind, washed by a stranger, rolled up in a blanket and given to its mother to be held and fed before being put in a basinet by itself. From a baby's perspective, undoubtedly not a good experience. So from the moment of its birth, a baby finds that its needs are not met, and so the first seeds of insecurity are sown.

This pattern continues during the baby’s formative first years. For an animal mother, her babies are her first concern; nothing competes with that. Human mothers, parents, have broader concerns.

It’s not that parents don’t love their new child and shower it with attention; it’s that the needs of the baby go beyond what most parents are able to give. Whether it’s how they were raised, whether it’s the demands of work or home, or whether it’s having their own problems to worry about … it’s just the way it is.

And so when an animal is weaned and goes off on its own, it has had nothing but secure reinforcements from its mother, it knows its place in the world and everything it needs to do in order to survive. It knows the struggle of life but it knows what to do to survive and multiply. For that is what all other forms of life except human beings are about - multiply and thrive. Nature can be cruel, but an animal knows that such is life, and just like the chickens in my post, "The Wisdom of Chickens," they go on with their life undisturbed.

For humans, life's scenario is quite different. As a baby becomes a young child, proceeds through adolescence, and attains adulthood, the seed of insecurity that formed at birth grows to become a huge tumor inside each of us. Why?

By the time the ego develops around age 2 or 3, the child has a vast body of life experience, much of it negative, that becomes labeled by the mind, and the way we feel about ourselves and others is thus formed and stays pretty set throughout life. Typically, those feelings and perceptions are reinforced by our ongoing life experiences, not just in the family but in the broader society, or at least reinforced by the way our mind views them.

So the tumor of insecurity grows because it is fed by much of what we experience in life … in the home, in school, at work, and in the media. We are either told or learn that we are clearly lacking in some way. Often we experience trauma.

Or if we are praised, we know how easy it is to fall from grace, and so the successful often have even greater insecurities than the average person because they have more to lose.

All of this flows from the original trauma experienced at birth, immediately after birth, and in our formative years.

This is why spiritual practice, seeking to end our suffering and free ourselves from the control of our mind's emotions is such a challenge. The roots go very deep.

0 Comments

Be One with Your Divine Essence

11/18/2022

0 Comments

To be a Buddhist and be one with your divine essence are not incompatible states. Some time ago, I wrote a post, "Buddhism and the Divine," that posits that the true Buddha nature we are born with is in fact the divine essence. That the two are one. To understand where I am coming from, please read the post.

This concept has received no traction. I sent the post to several Buddhist publications but none were interested. And I understand why – it is a radical concept. While it is often said that it is possible for one to practice Buddhism and be a Believer at the same time, that the two faiths are not incompatible, there appears to be no room in Buddhism for the divine..

I think this is not only a conceptual error, but it is harmful to the goal of Buddhism, which is to enable people to end their suffering and be free.

It is certainly true that there is no place in Buddhist thought for the God of the Old or New Testament or the Quran. Both because the creation story is antithetical to Buddhism and, more importantly, because the concept that salvation, freedom from suffering, lies in something outside of you rather than within you is antithetical to Buddhism.

However, I am not talking about that God or that Divine power. I am referring to the god or divinity that is within us, that we were born with and which remains in us our whole lives, even if it is unknown to us.

This god is not involved in any creation story. And because the divinity is within us, when we pray to the god within us, we are not looking to an outside source to answer our prayers or solve our problems, but we are looking to ourselves, our heart, to free us from the mess that our mind has created.

Thinking of our heart as being the expression of the divine within us, the individualization of the abundance and light of the universe, is helpful to our practice because when we negate the mind as being our self – when we reach the point where, as the Buddha said, we are free of the conceit, "I am" – and instead posit that our true self is our heart, our true Buddha nature, we are often left with a quandary: just what is that?

By understanding that the qualities that we ascribe to our heart and our true Buddha nature, are none other than the qualities of god, of the divine essence, of the cosmos/universe, we come to understand more easily the power of our heart. That it is not just a light unto us and others, but that it has the quality of knowing and wanting what is in our best interest; it is the source of our supply, it is our substance. It, not your mind, holds the answer to your best interest. Which is why I say, "Your will, not my mind's."

If you accept the premise of my post, "Buddhism and The Divine," then there is no incompatibility between your Buddhist practice and believing that your heart is the expression of the divine essence, of the universe. What it provides your practice is an added source of strength to not succumb to your mind's manipulation and the courage to look beyond ending your suffering to making yourself a stronger human being and fulfilling your heart's desires, which by definition are Right desires.

Turn your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature, your divine essence, the universe; surrender your ego to their care; empty yourself of your ego-self; say your will not my mind's. Then you will be one with your divine essence, filled with abundance and light, peace and equanimity, happiness and contentment, faith and strength. Only then will you be free.

0 Comments

Have Faith in the Process

11/11/2022

0 Comments

When we turn our will and our life over to the care of our true Buddha nature/God/our divinity/the universe, we are saying "your will, not mine." You are asking to be guided in how to fulfill your heart's desires, which are by definition Right desires.

A note: the saying "your will, not mine" is a trap as worded. It sounds like there is a conflict between the universe's will and yours. But the conflict is not with your Buddha will, it is with your mind. Therefore, I have started saying, "Your will, not my mind's."

You will need to put some "skin in the game," but only at the guidance of your heart. Do not allow your mind to try to figure out how or when to achieve your desire. That defeats the purpose of being guided, of being free of that responsibility. Your only responsibility is to implement what you are being guided to do, with an open mind, trusting your guidance even if it runs against what your mind would have done. You will feel a burden lifted and be free of frustration.

How do you recognize the guidance of your heart? Sometimes we hear something or something comes to us out of the blue, or a happenstance occurs – the point is that it happens without exerting the power of your mind.

But to hear the guidance, you have to be open to receiving it. Asking for guidance is not enough. You must listen for it and recognize it. You have to stop yourself from figuring out in your mind how to fulfill your desire because that will cause you to not hear the guidance.

Perhaps the most challenging part of saying "your will, not my mind's" is that the universe often if not always works more slowly than your mind would like. We like things to happen on a certain schedule; you must let go of that attachment. Otherwise, this waiting, delay, can be frustrating and cause you to doubt the guidance you've received, or the ability of the universe to deliver on your desire.

Do not lose faith in anything other than your mind's ability to protect you and guide you to do what is in your best interest. Trust in the process.

0 Comments

The Mind's Deep State

11/4/2022

0 Comments

It is no secret that the mind (meaning the ego-mind, not Buddha-mind) has deep roots in us. Its perspective of us and the world around us formed fundamentally during our early childhood years and has been reinforced by our life experiences since then. The mind has a way of seeing our experiences as verification of is perspective, even if they in fact do not. Even when we have a positive experience, the mind finds a way to either discount it or question it and so it does not change our perspective. It is all we've ever known of ourselves.

During my almost 30 years of Buddhist practice, I have, I thought, freed myself from the control of my mind. Things don't push my buttons anymore; I am at peace regardless what is going on. I react to things with dispassion, not emotion. I am free of active fear, meaning that while a fearful thought may flitter through my mind, it does not settle there because I apply my spiritual principles.

However, I have recently become aware of an area where my mind is still very much in control of me. My post, "What Lies Behind Our Good Deeds?" talks about the active presence of self-centeredness in me to this day.

This morning, I had another revelation: that when I feel attacked I revert to my primordial self and defend myself, the emphasis being on the word "feel." If someone is upset and yells at me, instead of hearing a cry for help I have taken it for an attack on me, and so my defenses go up. This is my ego-mind at work.

This in spite of my daily mantra that there is no reason for me to be defensive; that if someone speaks the truth to me it is an opportunity to grow and strengthen, and that if someone throws a falsehood at me, I don't take it personally, knowing that it stems from the person's trauma and I have compassion for them. This mantra has generally been very effective in changing my behavior.

But my failure to hear the cry for help is another example of my seeing things from my perspective, not from the other person's. And so because of the volume and emotion of the voice, I feel that I am being attacked and all rational reaction goes out the door. When I am told that I am being defensive rather than listening, hearing what is being said, I just continue to defend myself. This of course aggravates, escalates, the situation.

It is beyond vexing again how the mind can control our awareness even in the depths of meditation. This is another aspect of the issue that goes to the core of my childhood trauma. Not only did I feel that I wasn't loved or wanted, but I was unjustly yelled at by my father.

And so, I am sitting with this, shining the love and light of my true Buddha nature on my trauma, embracing it, burying it, and asking my divinity to remove this defensive reaction from me,

So to all of you, BEWARE! You may think that you have freed yourself from the control of your mind, and for the most part that may in fact be true, but there is probably some aspect of your trauma which is so central to your being that it has escaped your awareness.

May you experience peace and happiness.

0 Comments

What Lies Behind Our Good Deeds?

10/29/2022

1 Comment

I am a person who has always had a desire to help others, either directly or indirectly, even before my Buddhist practice. I have done innumerable "good" deeds over the years. I sincerely have an interest in and compassion for others, at least those who in one way or another draw me to them, individually or as a group. And so, I have always considered myself to be a good person. And indeed people have benefited from their interaction with me; I have made a difference in people's lives.

However, I have recently been faced with an uncomfortable truth: all of my good deeds, my efforts to help, my offerings of joy were all partially, and probably first and foremost, based on my desperate need, my craving, to be liked by others, to be acknowledged by others. The driving force was how my psyche would benefit.

One could say, "What's the big deal? If you did good work that's what really matters." There is no question that I really did good work and that impact is in no way lessened by my subconscious driving force.

However, this subconscious force certainly had a negative impact upon me. In that every time I did a good deed, I expected some acknowledgment in return; when that acknowledgment did not come, it made me feel defeated, a failure. I did not feel good about myself. I took it personally.

To cite an example of how trivial this can get, I work in a middle school and every morning part of my job is to greet students with "good morning" as they pass my station in the hall. The vast majority of students do not acknowledge my greeting at all; those who I know by name perhaps respond half of the time. The result is that every morning I feel rejected by these students, even though I know full well that they are just absorbed in their thoughts or conversations and it has nothing to do with me. And I even felt this way this morning after having had this realization, sat with it, and am working to free myself from this craving. Such is the power of past trauma and the ego,. It will take some time and much spiritual work to free myself. This is core.

How, you may well ask, could I have not been aware of this previously, given my almost 30 years of Buddhist practice, and years of blogging and writing about Buddhist practice? It truly boggles the mind. But it shows how our deepest trauma-related negative energies are hidden from us, even in meditation. Mind you, I have never claimed to be enlightened.

The answer to this question is quite simple. Our trauma-related negative energies are deeply rooted in us. Those that result in suffering I was aware of, such as suffering from various fears, I have addressed through my practice and I have been honest and truthful when I have written that nothing pushes my buttons anymore, I don't get upset, I realize things are just the way they are.

But although I was aware of my disappointment when I was not acknowledged for acts either large or small, I did not identify that as suffering. Even when I wrote a post about renouncing what we've always depended on, this dependence of mine didn't register. Such is the ability of the mind to control even the reaches of our spiritual practice.

It took a dear friend to point out to me that many of my actions meant to help him in fact hurt him, caused him suffering, and when I sat with that, I came to my realization. He had also pointed out recently that my craving for acknowledgement was making me do things in the workplace which were ill-advised for my well-being and job security. I am very grateful that I have a friend who is so insightful and will speak the truth to me.

And so now I am applying the full-force of my spiritual tools to this problem. I now state in my mantra that craving acknowledgement is, "Not me!" I have once again added the trauma of not feeling wanted or desired to my list which I have embraced (The Heart's Embrace), buried, and shone the light and love of my true Buddha nature on, thus dissipating the negative energy that flowed from it. All of this is in conjunction with a core mantra that I have everything I need inside myself to be at peace and happy.

To show the complexity of the process, I'll note that I have long been well aware of this major trauma, or group of traumas, have embraced it and freed myself from it as it pertained to various energies that flowed from it, but this one energy had not been one I was cognizant of.

And so the path continues.

1 Comment

<<Previous

Archives