Then I was sitting in my car by a beautiful nature spot, a mountain pond, and I took out my sketchpad and sketched the view of the pond. By the time I was done with the sketch, my mood had totally changed. I was aware of all the things I am grateful for, starting with being alive. I felt energized.
This was a perfect example of why I have the intent to reject the guidance of my ego-mind. That day I had been totally in the control of my ego-mind. It was only by sketching (I normally do not have my sketchpad with me, but for some reason I took it with me that day) that I was drawn out of myself, my ego-mind, and connected with the universe, with god, What a difference, without the underlying facts having changed at all. This is the difference of being in the presence of light rather than darkness.
Being free of the guidance of my ego-mind, I also realized that I had previously come up with an explanation for my disappointing action, but that explanation was wishful thinking. Wishful thinking is dangerous because it is not based in reality, and it thus allows one to avoid reality. This leads to decision making that is not based on a truthful assessment of a situation and thus does not move one forward. Better to accept the truth, disappointing though it may be, than to retreat to wishful thinking as a coping mechanism. Truth is another source of light.
Once again a humbling experience. No matter how disciplined my practice, no matter the wise thoughts I may have, if I do not consciously throughout the day choose to be one with the Buddha/divinity/universe within me, I will be in the hands of my ego-mind.