As I stated in my earlier post on this topic, loving yourself unconditionally is critical to your maintaining peace and happiness. And the suggestions made in that post regarding how you go from not loving yourself unconditionally to loving yourself remain valid.

However, I recently became aware through an incident that occurred that there was a weak link in my chain of self-love. I was having a conversation with a friend and reacted to something important he presented in a very unfeeling way, which was very upsetting to him,  Why?

When I sat with myself, I realized that I was still getting emotional juice when I created something, whether writing or music. I didn't just react that the work was good; I was hungry for acknowledgment of its worth.  Why? Because I was still caught in the web of needing validation from others, feeling that I was smarter or wiser, in order to feel loved. And if I needed that to feel loved, I needed that to in turn love myself. This is not conducive to humility, which is why I reacted to my friend in such an unfeeling way.

As I went through my mantras during the next morning's prayer/meditation, I became aware that while I asked the Lord to grant me the courage to love myself unconditionally, that did not go deep enough. I did have a mantra that asked that I be given the courage to know that I am somebody without the validation of others, without being smarter or wiser.  But knowing I am somebody is not being loved or loving myself. So I changed the mantra to having the courage to know that I am loved (whether by myself or others) and be filled with love without being validated, etc.

That may not sound like much of a difference, but its impact was significant.  And when I listed the things that inviting my Buddha nature to be my subconscious filled me with, I added "love."  I also asked the Lord to remove my feelings of fear and anxiety of not being smarter or wiser, of not being loved by others. The combination of these changes in my prayer/meditation resulted in my feeling during that day that a huge burden had been lifted from me; I felt lighter.

The other thing I realized is that I can radiate joy (one of my mantras) only if I love myself and am filled with love. This is essential to changing the direction off your energy flow, which is another essential element of experiencing peace and happiness.  (See my post, "Change Your Life by Changing the Direction of It's Energy Flow.")

I have continued with my amended practice every day, and periodically throughout the days.  For this change to become the new default way I relate to myself will require much repetition over a period of time. New synapses need to be built in the brain. As with other areas where I have changed how I relate to myself and others, I am aware that I am changing a paradigm of a lifetime.

If you want to live your life in peace and happiness, loving yourself unconditionally is critical. That together with the Serenity Prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, which is the way things are right at this moment, and the serenity to just be.  And the courage to change the things I can, which is how I relate to myself and others—the thoughts I think, the words I speak, the actions I take."  The words in italics are my exposition of the prayer.

May you live your life in peace and happiness.
​

Whether it's your spiritual home or your physical home, feeling that you are at home is of critical importance to your peace and happiness.  Being at home promotes feelings of safety, of love, of being where you are supposed to be, of being where your are supported.

Many years ago, I read the phrase, "In going and returning, I never leave home."  When I reflected on those words, I understood that my spiritual practice is my home, and so no matter where I am, I feel at home.  That applies not just to your spiritual self, but to your physical self.

What a wonderful thought.  But how does one accomplish that?  

Doing meditation/prayer on a daily basis wherever you are is a critical starting point (I've meditated every day for 30 years wherever I've been). But feeling at home—one with yourself—requires more than that. It requires freeing yourself from the distractions and stressors of the world you live in. The experiences still happen, but you come to react to them with dispassion, not with emotion.

At the core of this teaching is the fact that we are all born with the Buddha nature/the divine essence/the child of the Universe within us.  (See my posts, "True Self" and "Buddhism and the Divine.")  

Once you come to understand this and believe that this is true, then it requires the rather arduous and lengthy process of freeing yourself from the control of your ego-mind. It is unfortunately not the case that by believing in your true self, you automatically free yourself from your ego-mind. 

Were it only that simple,  There are stories in the sutras and elsewhere of people in the distant past who experienced instantaneous enlightenment, but I know of no modern account of that nature.  Even the Buddha wandered for 6 years trying different teachings before sitting under the boddhi tree for 49 days and experiencing enlightenment.

Read my post, "How to Free Yourself from the Control of Your Ego-Mind" for a quick description of the steps/path to achieving that end. I should make clear that the goal is not to achieve enlightenment, "just" to free yourself mostly from the control of your ego-mind—a state very close to enlightenment. If you want to read a book rather than a lot of posts, see my book, How to Find Peace of Mind.

I use the word "just" because this task is a major challenge.  And if one achieves it, "mostly" freeing yourself from the control of your ego-mind, you have come as far as most of us mortals get on the path. But knowing what enlightenment is can be very helpful in the process of freeing yourself from your ego-mind. For a Mahayana description of enlightenment—perfected wisdom—see my translation of and commentary on The Heart Sutra on this website.

This is a path on which you can expect there to be many bumps in the road; you will make some steps forward only to take some steps backward,  The ego-mind is very powerful and deeply rooted within you; it is the only self you have ever known and forms your self-image. So connecting by default to your true self requires much work and discipline, But you will have moments even early on when you experience the comfort of your true self, and it is those experiences together with your faith in the Buddha's teaching that will give you the strength to persevere in your efforts.

I wish you well on your journey home.

Our lives and days are filled with moments when we are not exercising humility, when we are not with God, and we're not even aware of it. Even if you asked yourself if you were being humble at the time, you probably would not get the relevance of the question. I mean, what does humility have to do with driving?

Once such moment came to me the other morning while meditating/praying.  The night before, I had a slight accident when at night I made a right turn onto a state highway—quickly to avoid an oncoming car—and cut it too tight and the tire hit something embedded in the ground and bent the torsion bar, making the car not drivable.  This gave me pause to think about my driving habits in general.  I enjoy driving fast, in a sporty fashion. I pay little attention to speed limits.

When I put this all together, I realized that I drove with my ego in control. At the time I did not think I was taking risks, but I was. It's like I was trying to prove that I'm a real man. Beyond that, I was never relaxed; there was always tension when driving. Clearly, I was not driving with humility; I was not with God.

Once several months before, I had realized this and altered my driving habits for maybe a day or two, and then reverted to my previous driving style. This time I saw this accident as a warning. I needed to change the way I related to driving. I needed to turn my will over to God/Buddha/the Universe when driving as with all other things.

And so, when I drove that day, I didn't on purpose drive more slowly, it just happened. And it felt good; I was relaxed and enjoyed driving in a very different way—not as a test of my skill but just being relaxed and at peace. It has been several days now and my driving continues to be divorced from my ego. I am awake and intend to remain in that state. But I will need to remind myself.

Most books that talk about manifesting, talk about getting what you desire—whether it's money, a job, or a partner—through the spiritual power of manifesting. In these books, it's about going after what you want in a grounded manner, free of fear or doubt.

That advice is great, but it is predicated on your being in a spiritual space where you are free of fear or doubt—which means being free of the control of your ego-mind. And that is no easy matter, even if you're a practicing Buddhist, given how we are raised and what our life experiences have taught us,

Most of the posts in this blog in one way or another address the process of freeing yourself from the control of your ego-mind. Because the ego-mind is the home of all our fears, anxieties, doubts—all of our judgments and perceptions.

If you haven't to some extent gone through this process, then you really can't manifest anything, because your ego-mind is still in control.  You may be successful in getting what you want, but that won't provide you with peace and happiness.

After all, lots of people—probably most—that achieve what they want are not in any way spiritual. Thus despite their achievements, they continue suffering; they continue to be frustrated, anxious, insecure. Because they are still in the control of their ego-mind.

The point of manifesting is getting what you are seeking while being consistent with your spiritual values, not driven by your ego-mind.  And so be at peace and happy.

Manifesting is done in two stages.  The first is coming to understand spiritually that you already have what you want.  For example. let's say you want to manifest financial abundance, good fortune, and financial security. That sounds like getting more money on a regular basis.

But does it really? The spiritual basis of manifestation from the Bible are the following:

Believe that you have received it and it will be yours.
What is seen was not made out of what was visible.

This does not mean that if you do these two things, you will have the increased riches and security you want.  It means that you will see that you already have financial abundance and security..

Ih my example, I am retired with a small pension. I teach to supplement my pension. I live very frugally but still am short every month. This could easily lead to anxiety and trying to find better paying or other sources of income out of desperation.

However, by reciting my mantra, "Things are the way they are because it's just the way it is; it's meant to be, and it's all ok," (see my post, "It's Just the Way it Is - Take III") together with the mantra, "Grant me the courage to manifest financial abundance, good fortune, and financial security," I understand that I have those things right now under my current circumstances. I have everything I truly want, feel blessed, and feel secure because I have turned my will and my life over to the care of my Buddha nature/divine essence/child of the Universe within me. And I have faith.

When you are in that space, you can pursue avenues to make more money that are consistent with your spiritual values.  Which I have done, although none of them have so far come through. But instead of feeling defeated or anxious, I know that I'm ok.

I have manifested financial abundance, good fortune, and financial security in my current  circumstances. That is how I feel.

There's an old saying, "A stone once thrown cannot be recalled."  That certainly applies when someone causes another person trauma; that person will often if not usually never forget the trauma regardless how good the relationship between the two people otherwise is. One can make amends, but it makes no difference—the memory remains, raw.

Our ego-mind never lets us forget something bad that happened to us.  Rarely do good memories come to us unbidden. But bad memories do with frequency. It's the ego-mind's way of "protecting" us. And just like so many other things the ego-mind does with the idea of protecting us, it does just the opposite: it harms us.

Instead of fostering the knowledge that things are the way they are because it's just the way it is, that we experienced childhood trauma or adult trauma because it's just the way it was, the ego-mind reacts in a self-righteous way to anything that has harmed us and never lets that feeling go. And so we continue to be tortured by the memory and are never able to lead our lives in peace.

This is the exact opposite of the Serenity Prayer: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change—which is the way things are right now at this moment (and were in the past), and the courage to change the things I can—which is how I relate to myself and others, the thoughts I think, the words I speak, the actions I take." (The words in italics are my explication of the prayer.)

Our ego-mind does not want to give up the anger we felt at being traumatized, regardless what it was. That is an aspect of pridefulness, of a lack of humility. But if we are in touch with our true selves—our heart, the child of the universe within us, our divine essence, our Buddha nature—then there is nothing more important to us than retaining our natural state of peace; we accept the past, present, and future so that nothing offends and we will allow nothing to disturb our inner peace. To live our lives well is to be at peace and humble.

There is a line in an ancient Chinese poem that says, "When faith and mind are not separate, and not separate are mind and faith, this is beyond all words and thought."  That is the essence of peace—faith and humility.

I have written about the difficulty of listening twice before. But it is so important to having good relationship with others, and indeed one's own peace, that I am writing once again.

​One of the most frequent causes for conflict between people—whether family, friends, or colleagues—is that people do not generally listen to what's being said to them.  They listen, in the sense of hearing what's said, but they pay no attention to what's being said.

One sees this all the time with children in school—2nd grade and younger.  With them, it's obvious, physically.  Even after being admonished time and time again, there's no question they're not paying attention to what's being said, whether it's a classmate or the teacher.

Unfortunately, this isn't just a problem with young children.  Through all the years of our life, we continue to hear but not really listen.  Listening requires not just knowing what's being said, but processing it and having some understanding of why it's being said.  

In the workplace, we all have our own agendas and ideas which are going through our heads as we listen to someone speak, which prevents us from really paying attention and processing what they're saying. That can get you in trouble.

But the more serious problems occur with interpersonal relationships. Those close to us often will tell us something, perhaps something we do that causes them discomfort, but because we don't understand where the person is coming from, what they're feeling, we don't give their comment much credence, especially if what they're requesting is inconvenient for us, which is usually the case.  We don't want to change or watch what we're saying, even if we care for someone deeply. This causes conflict between people, often quite serious.

In order to listen deeply, we need to turn off the thoughts that are going through our mind while the person is speaking to us and just listen to him or her.  That does not come naturally.  But that's just the first step—paying attention.

The more difficult part in interpersonal relations is freeing ourselves from our ego-mind which will get defensive if someone complains about our actions, regardless how justified the person is.  Even with someone as deep into their practice as I am, I will get defensive when someone complains about something I do or have done, and only the next morning when I meditate/pray and the situation replays itself in my mind will I understand what the person was complaining about and I admit I was wrong.

It's amazing—disconcerting really—how I have freed myself from so many skandhas, so much of my conditioning, and yet I still obviously am not completely free of my ego-mind.  As is often said, the path never ends.

I have always been a very principled person; I have strong beliefs and I have felt it was important to express those beliefs in various settings. I felt I was right and that my voice was important to be heard.

On the other hand, in each job I have had in my long career (literally, each and every one), I eventually came up against a superior or someone in the organization that disapproved of what I was saying (previously I was consistently seen as the golden boy who did superlative work) and I decided to leave my job rather than continuing, muzzled.  

I reflected on this history this morning because the other night I counseled a friend that you can't change people or the world.  The only thing you can change is how you relate to yourself and others. This is a Buddhist maxim.

When I woke up this morning, I realized that while I have always blamed those who disapproved of my thoughts—calling them small—for my leaving these jobs, really the fault was that my ego was so connected with my being right that it wouldn't stand for bowing to pressure from a superior to stop saying what I thought was right or needed.

I left not because I was right/good and they were wrong/bad, but because I refused to change my relationship to those around me: to continue in a low key way doing what I thought was right, not being confrontational.

But then a voice within me countered that I was a person of light and that others—the world—needed to hear what I had to say, regardless of the consequences for me. While this seemed to be coming from god, I think it was in reality my ego in disguise.

It may well be my purpose in life to do good work, to help others, to bring light, but it is not my purpose to revolutionize a workplace or the world. My purpose is more modest in scope—to change my life and to bring light to those around me, if they ask (see my post, "Letting Others Go Their Way."). That is the real voice of god within me.

I think it was Pema Chodron who said in one of her books that if you fight reality, you will have a miserable life.  While I did not have a miserable life, I certainly have had a life that created many difficulties for me.

But then there came another counterpoint in this analysis: if I had not left all these jobs, I would not have had some of the life-changing experiences that I have had—whether its people I've met, finding Buddhism, or finding god. That argues that these happenstances (my deciding to leave these employments) were all part of my fulfilling the Universe's purpose for me.

And yet there's no question in my mind that it is more in keeping with the Universe's guidance that I keep a lower profile, as I have more recently, with my goal being peace and happiness—knowing that things are the way they are because it's just the way it is.  And turning my will and my life over to the care of the child of the Universe within me—when faith and mind are not separate, and not separate are mind and faith.  It's all about faith and humility.

Life would have certainly turned out differently (or I assume it would have) had I adopted my current philosophy early on, but there's no question in my heart that the Universe would still have led me to a place I was meant to be and be at peace and happy.

Life is a puzzlement!

If we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that we have all harmed other people, often those we loved.  Whether it was intentional or not, whether it was an expression of our own suffering or not—it makes no difference to the person who was harmed.

In 12-step programs, an important aspect at a later stage of one's program is to make amends to those we have harmed, except where making amends would cause further harm. It is both an important exercise in accepting personal responsibility, in humility, and displaying compassion and care for others.  (See my post, "Step 9: Make a List of All Persons We Had Harmed and Became Willing to Make Amends To Them.")

I have had two occasions in the past year where this was an important issue for me.  The first was when I realized that being a person of strong opinions, I sometimes have had the tendency to tell people—friends mostly—what they should do, even if not asked.  There was one friend who I know I had pained by my frequent advice (he told me) and thought there might well be others who I have harmed. And so I sent an email to friends, explaining the situation, and apologizing for any harm or discomfort I may have caused.  

The one friend who I knew I had pained responded, grateful for my inquiry and realization that I had overstepped boundaries.  The other friends who responded said that they never took offense at anything I had said, knowing the caring and intent that lay behind it.

The other situation was one where I knew that I had done great harm to a good friend.  This occurred with some frequency despite his obviously getting very upset and telling me what I had done. (This was all prior to my having found the divinity within me and freed myself from the control of my ego-mind.)  How to make amends?

One day when I was meditating/praying, I asked god how I could make amends to my friend. The answer I received was that the past is past; there's nothing I can do about that. The only thing I can do is commit to not doing such things to him in the future, and share my commitment with him. I did this, both to myself and to my friend.  His response, understandably, was, "we'll see."

My father used to have a poster in his office that said, "A stone once thrown cannot be recalled."  How true. Once you have harmed someone, it is very difficult to restore the relationship to what it was. You can patch things up, but the relationship rarely regains its former depth because people don't forget; their ego-minds won't let them.

Making amends is not about making you feel better regarding what you've done. It's about letting the other person know that you have become aware of your actions and apologize from the depths of your heart. It's about showing respect for the other person.

It's hard to believe that I've never written a post devoted to talking about cravings.  When the Buddha first turned the wheel of the dharma and taught his disciples the Four Noble Truths, the center of that teaching was that all our suffering is caused by cravings and that our suffering can be ended by freeing oneself from cravings.

It sounds so straightforward but it's not.  The Buddha said in the Four Noble Truths that the Noble Eightfold Path is the way that leads to the end of cravings and thus suffering. That path consists of: Right view, Right intention, Right speech, Right action, Right livelihood, Right effort, Right mindfulness, or Right concentration.

But as I noted in my book, The Self in No Self, the problem with that statement, and what many Buddhist monks teach, is that one can't do Right anything, while under the control of your ego-mind. It will not allow you, regardless of intent, to exercise Right behavior,

For example, Right intention requires you letting go all worldly desires and attachments, cultivating goodwill towards all beings, and refraining from actions that cause harm to oneself or others. If you are in the control of your ego-mind—of your emotions, judgments, perceptions—you cannot begin to achieve these elements of Right intention.  The same is true for all elements of the Noble Eightfold Path.

Let me be clear, I am not disagreeing with the teaching of the Buddha; I am just saying that in order to practice the Noble Eightfold Path and thus end your cravings and suffering, one must first free yourself from the control of your ego-mind. See my post, "The Noble Eightfold Path," for a simple explanation of the path's elements.

And if you've been reading this blog, you know that freeing yourself from the control of your ego-mind is the subject of many posts I've written. It is a huge challenge, but one that can be overcome with discipline and faith. To get you started, see my post, "How to Free Yourself from the Control of Your Ego-Mind." 
​

One of the reasons why we all, why man, suffers, is that we insist on acting on our own volition, which usually means acting as our mind tells us to act.  We depend on our mind to offer us advice that is good for us.

The problem is that our mind—which is to say our ego-mind—virtually never gives us good advice, in the sense of being in our best interest, because it is totally controlled by our emotions, our insecurity, our perceptions. Because of that, we never see things as they really are, we have no idea what "reality" is, because our senses are filtered by our ego-mind before we make a decision on how to act or react in a situation. Often these emotions are inhibiting, at other times they create unreasonable expectations.  (See my post, "Reality - It's Not What You Think It Is.") And if one acts on emotion, rather than reality, problems are going to result.  That is the source of our cravings and our suffering.

As anyone reading this blog will know, the answer lies in freeing oneself from the control of your ego-mind, of being able to see things as they really are, free of emotion, and so act in a way that is in your best interest, which is to be at peace and happy, free of cravings.

Part of the answer to this problem, as I've written, is to connect with your heart/your true Buddha nature/the child of the universe within you.  And I've written about ways to do that.

Perhaps the most basic thought in this process, which I just realized I have never written a separate post about—and it is so important it deserves its own post—is turning your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature/your divine essence/the child of the Universe within you.

This is so opposite to the way in which we are used to—trained to—operating that even for those who are serious Buddhist practitioners, making this change in our modus operandi is very difficult.  Even if you believe you have Buddha nature/divine essence/the child of the Universe within you, handing control over just doesn't compute.  

You may be comfortable seeking advice from your Buddha nature, but the decider has to remain you.  But this doesn't work, because your ego-mind will usually override whatever guidance you get from your heart.  And so you continue to operate as a creature of your ego-mind and suffer.

Even if you have gone through the process of understanding that your ego-mind is not your true self and that instead your heart/your true Buddha nature/your divine essenceI/the child of the Universe within you is your true self, if you do not hand your will and your life over to its care, you will not be free of the control of your ego-mind.

If your goal is to have a life of peace and happiness, then you must come to understand that there is no other place for you to achieve that goal than placing yourself in the hands of your true self.  

This does not mean that you are no longer a player in your present or future. You can still indicate what you would like to achieve. Indeed, its necessary that you put some skin in the game; you can't just sit back and wait for it to happen.  But how and when it happens will not be within your control.

I have written that I first became aware when examining my past that everything good that has ever happened in my life happened by happenstance, but later realized that that happenstance was not accidental but rather was part of the flow of the universe as it pertained to me,  See my posts, "Happenstance" and "Happenstance - Part II."  

This is very different from the intervention of the Old Testament God in response to prayer; the master puppeteer. This instead is the Universe acting in accordance with its laws as well as our being subject to the laws of man's developed nature.  The Universe presented me with opportunity—regardless whether I was in touch with my true self—and it was up to me to see it and act on it or instead be guided by my ego-mind and reject it or accept it but be filled with doubt.  See my post, "It's Just the Way It Is - Take III."

When the characters in Star Wars say, "May the force be with you," it is essentially saying the same thing—hand your will and your life over to the care of the Universe."  Don't use your mind to decide what to do; let yourself be guided by this natural force.  It sounds very strange to us, scary, and yet to be in that space is to be at peace, because I know that my true self—the child of the Universe within me—would never do anything that would hurt me.