ThePracticalBuddhist.com - The Practical Buddhist Blog - Practical Advice on Integrating the Practice of Buddhism in Contemporary Life

Listening to Others

5/8/2025

Truly listening to others is a most challenging task. It's relatively easy to hear what they're saying, to focus on their words.

But to accurately understand what they are saying, what they're trying to express is another matter. Why? Because everything we hear is filtered by our ego-mind before it passes on to our brain to process and respond.

Which is saying that what we hear is interpreted first by our perspectives and feelings; this is not a neutral analysis. Thus we do not hear what the speaker is trying to say; rather we hear how our ego-mind interprets those words. The two may sometimes be the same, but most often that is not the case.

The result? Often frustration and suffering. The person speaking feels like he or she is not being heard. And especially among loved ones or friends, that is very painful. Whether the speaker expresses this or just is silent, the result is a separation of the two people.

If this happens in a professional setting, the result is not necessarily painful, but it does result in miscommunication, which can have a negative impact both on the relationships involved and the project they are working on.

If you are often accused of not listening, or if you feel without it being said that that is the reaction to your response to what was said, you need to accept that this is a failure, a weakness, on your part. The question is, how can you improve your listening.

The answer is that you hear accurately if you have freed yourself from the control of your ego-mind. Unless you can listen with your heart, your true self, your ego-mind will continue to distort the meaning of what someone says to you.

And since that—freeing yourself from the control of your ego-mind—is the focus of this blog because that is how you end your suffering. you'll understand when I say that this is a major challenge. If this is your first exposure to this blog, I would suggest that you read the post, "How to Free Yourself from the Control of your Ego-Mind," which briefly states the steps in the process and refers you to other posts that go into particular matters more deeply.

Humility - The Price of the Lack of Humility

4/28/2025

This morning when I got up, words spoken to me more than 30 years ago by a combative colleague came to me: "If you think you can say what you think here, you're stupid." At the time, I reacted to that statement with disdain. But this morning I knew that the Lord had spoken to me, giving me a warning to get over myself and practice humility.

But I did not hear that warning and so have not heeded it. In spite of my practice and my awareness of the importance of humility, and in spite of my having written several years ago a post about the need to "get over yourself," I obviously had not practiced what I preached. I did not connect the dots; I did not see how I have suffered and made others suffer because I had not gotten over myself.

I shared this mea culpa with friends because it is quite possible that I have at times in the past spoken my mind to them or done things that otherwise upset or hurt them. I made amends.

In almost every job I've had, I have had difficulty or gotten in trouble because I was so full of myself that I thought everyone would want to hear my thoughts, my wisdom. And if someone didn't, I reacted with disdain rather than looking at myself introspectively and seeing that I was not practicing humility. As a result, virtually every job I've ever had became uncomfortable and I moved on; some I was on the verge of being fired. Not surprisingly, this has hurt me financially.

For not heading his warning, the Lord has brought me low. This is one of many examples, however, where my Buddhist practice has had an effect: I am at peace, I have faith, I have no fear. Truly! Things are the way they are because it's just the way it is.

I know that such actions were a product of my ego-mind rather than my true self. Even after years of disciplined practice and much writing, while there are many aspects of my ego that have been controlled, core aspects still are active. It is that powerful. Nevertheless, I am ultimately responsible. It is an embarrassment.

On my plate every day, not just during my meditation/prayer, is focusing on my humility. Just imagining being free of the need to share my thoughts is a lightening of my burdens. It meshes seamlessly with my saying,"your will, not my mind's."

What Drives Us Mad?

4/17/2025

So many things drive us mad—whether it's different aspects of our lives, past or present, or aspects of the world around us—we are upset because things are not the way we want them to be or think they should be. This dissatisfaction can be felt by us as frustration, anger, anxiety, or fear.

In a calm moment, we would agree that many of the things that upset us are not game changers. Things may not be the way we want them to be, but they will not have a great impact on our lives.

Some things, however, we definitely view as game changers. Perhaps first and foremost of these things is money—how much money we earn, how much we have. There is no question that in our culture, the amount of money one has access to affects the type of life you can live, your lifestyle. Whether it affects your happiness is another matter.

There are ample examples of people who do not have access to much money, who are nevertheless happy and at peace. Such people usually were raised in poor circumstances and have managed to not have cravings to change that status despite being bombarded daily with media messages that seek to have us strive for the "good" life. Most, however, have succumbed to those messages and suffer.

For people who were raised with at least a modicum of creature comforts and elements of the "good" life, the idea of not having that style of life, even if one has adopted a disciplined spiritual practice, is scary. We cannot imagine living under circumstances of deprivation.

What does one do when you're in that situation, that circumstance? It comes down to faith, humility, and acceptance. Faith that you will be ok, spiritually and otherwise safe, regardless. Humility, so that this changed status in your life does not offend you—things don't have to be the way you want them to be; humility because you are aware just how much better off you are than millions of others around the world. And acceptance that things are the way they are because it's just the way it is; it's meant to be and it's all ok.

Since you are used to living with much more money at your disposal, you will have to research to learn how to put together a budget to live "well" on such an income and then implement it. You will surprisingly find that your situation is not as dire as you thought. You can still live your life well in these circumstances.

Don’t Speak/Help Unless Asked

3/31/2025

When we are talking with someone, we will react in many ways to what they are saying. Sometimes, we think we can help them by correcting their thoughts or improving their thoughts.

A BAD IDEA. If someone asks you for your input, then it’s fine to offer your thoughts about what he said. But if someone does not ask you, before volunteering your thoughts, ask the person first if he would like to hear your thoughts about what he said, to get your input. If he says, “yes,” then proceed with your thoughts, gently if you are disagreeing with him. If “no,” then go no further.

The reason for this circumspection is that many people are insecure, in general but especially about their mind’s ability. Not because they doubt themselves—they can have very strong opinions—but because their thoughts have either not been acknowledged by others, especially parents, while growing up, or they’ve been told they don’t think well. By correcting them or adding your thoughts, they view this as your saying that they don’t think well, which reinforces their feelings of insecurity.

Since you hopefully have no desire or intent to make someone feel insecure, rather just the opposite, you must control your desire to help people and not provide your thoughts unless asked. And realize that your desire to help people may be more about you, about your self-image, rather than being about the other person.

I say this from my own painful experience. I definitely desire to help people in many ways, but while this is in general a good thing to do, Right action, I have come to realize that my desire to help is driven by my desire to be loved; I desire to help people because I feel that if I help someone, they will be more likely to love me, or at least like me. Thus my desire to help is not coming from a place of equanimity and is not Right action. It is a craving.

Because of my historical insecurity regarding being loved, which is a deeply-rooted core feeling, I continued to interject myself despite my experience of people being upset by my desire to help and my meditating on this, This caused both friction with friends by not respecting their boundaries (even if unspoken) as well as suffering for me because upsetting someone I cared for is exactly the opposite of what I was trying to do.

While my turning my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature/the child of the universe within me, has greatly lessened the occasions where I act out of this insecurity, there still are occasions where it happens, with consistently not good results. There is no end to the path, barring enlightenment.

Learning from Falling Off the Spiritual Wagon

3/24/2025

We are human beings. As such, regardless how much we study and how disciplined our practice, there will be times when we fail to follow the intention of our practice. It can be with regards to a minor matter—that is, minor in our minds; in truth, nothing is minor as the same truths underlie all things. But this also happens regarding major matters—major in their impact on us and others—because they are more central to our ego-mind and its core habit-energies, and our ego-mind does not want to let us go.

This is nothing one should beat oneself up about or be disappointed in oneself—it just is what it is. But it is important that we learn from our failings and strengthen our practice by acknowledging these instances.

Luckily, I have found that when I go through my mantras during my daily morning meditation/prayer, if there is anything I have done or not done during the previous day that goes against one of my mantras, that instance will be revealed to me as I recite the mantra. This gives me an opportunity to examine what I did, be clear as to how I failed myself, and ask for support and guidance from my Buddha nature that I not repeat this failing, being mindful throughout the day.

As regards major matters, often the matter is discussed after the person impacted has raised it. In these discussions, I find and am embarrassed to report that I am often defensive and do not see what the friend is saying I did. Yet during my morning meditation, I always see clearly that the friend was right and I understand that I was acting from my ego; I was not one with my Buddha nature when this occurred.

Here something more is needed. I recommit myself to turning my will and my life over to the care of my true Buddha nature—your will, not my mind's—following the mantra, and implementing a daily practice that not only reaffirms this throughout the day but is watchful for the catalyst that brought on my ego-mind's habit-energy.

If I know something is coming up during the day or sometime in the near future, this will also arise during my meditation and I can apply my mantra directly to this situation, helping to insure that when the situation arises, I follow my intent. (See my post, "Imagining in Meditation.")

As is obvious from my posts, walking the path is not an easy matter. It is beyond challenging. But when you see the positive changes it makes to your life, to your sanity, to your psyche, it gives you the strength to recommit to the path and your intents rather than succumbing to the urgings of your ego-mind.

Acceptance Is The Answer

3/18/2025

At the core of all our suffering is our refusal to accept our life as being the way it is right now at this moment, as well as in the past. This adamant refusal to accept our life at this moment and as it has been is the source of our cravings which, as the Buddha said as he began turning the wheel of the dharma, is the cause of our suffering.

Reflecting this truth, the well-known Acceptance Prayer states that, “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. And I will find no peace until I accept that my life is exactly the way it is supposed to be right now at this moment.”

Most people, including many who are walking the Buddhist path, would push back against this guidance of acceptance. Besides the fact that the ego-mind rebels at the idea of acceptance, the individual typically has several rational reasons for rejecting acceptance, all based on a misunderstanding of acceptance and its implications.

First, acceptance does not mean resignation. Resignation is a negative concept and feeling. It means that something is undesirable but there’s nothing you can do about it, not just now but for the foreseeable future.

Acceptance on the contrary is a neutral concept and feeling that enables you to have a positive outlook. That is because it is non-emotional; you are not making a value judgment of the situation being bad or good, it just is the way it is. And so you can have a positive outlook.

Further, acceptance is definitely not inconsistent with trying to change the situation in the future, even starting tomorrow. The key is that because you have accepted something at this moment, you are able to approach your efforts at changing the situation with equanimity—to honestly say that, “If it happens, great; if it doesn’t happen, that’s ok too.” And so your desire to change does not become a craving. And so your desire does not cause suffering. Acceptance is thus a key component of experiencing peace.

Because of the connection in many people’s mind between acceptance and resignation, it is important to also note that acceptance is not a sign of weakness. Rather it is a sign of strength because you have made a decision to control your ego-mind rather than allow it to control you as it has for your entire life—not allowing its habit-energy to cause you suffering but rather choosing a different perspective that will lead to a sense of freedom and peace.

Given the centrality of acceptance to anyone’s efforts to walk the path and find peace—as it is in the Serenity Prayer—I urge everyone to sit with yourself and explore whether you practice acceptance. And, if not, how you can incorporate that practice into your meditation and your daily life.

As an aid to your practicing acceptance, see my post, ”The Heart’s Embrace”—the practice that I consider key to my being able to free myself from fear and anxiety caused by what happened in the past, what's happening in the present, and what might happen in the future, and thus accept my life as it is and was and will be..

The Serenity Prayer - II

3/1/2025

Several years ago, I wrote a post about the Serenity Prayer. Given what I feel is it's centrality to a spiritual life, I am posting the article again with some revisions.

In the simple serenity prayer, composed most likely by Reinhold Niebuhr in the late 30s - early 40s, we find the essence to a spiritual approach to life: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

To insure that there is no misunderstanding of what falls in each category, I have explicated the prayer as follows: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change—which is the way my life is right now at this moment and was in the past, and the serenity to just be— the courage to change the things I can—which is how I relate to myself and others, the thoughts I think, the words I speak, the actions I take; and the wisdom to know the difference."

As the Buddha taught when he first turned the wheel of the dharma, the cause of our suffering is our cravings. And cravings are a result of our not accepting things as they are. They seek to change our life, whether regarding personal maters, finance, status, whatever.

Now, there is nothing wrong or unspiritual about wanting to change your life in ways that do no harm to others. But when that desire is based on a lack of acceptance—often adamant—of the way things are now or were in the past, that desire becomes a craving. We become attached to it. We certainly do not approach it with equanimity. And thus we suffer when we do to get what we want.

Whereas if we work to change things in our life while accepting things are the way they are at this moment and were because it's just the way it is, we approach that work with equanimity, with non-attachment. We can honestly say, "If it happens, great; if it doesn't happen, that's ok too."

The other aspect of the serenity prayer gets to the point that for the most part we have no control whatsoever over whether what we strive for will happen, partly because it usually depends on the actions of others. Partly because we don't have control over any aspect of the world which impacts us. But because we don't understand the distinction between what we have control over and what we don't, we suffer because typically we try to control what we have no control over, it doesn't happen, and we are frustrated.

What we do have control over is how we approach life, how we live life. We thus have the power to create our own reality, which is a reality free of emotion, in which we know we will be ok, safe spiritually, regardless what life provides because we have returned home, and will always return home, to our true Buddha self and so be at peace and happy. We have the power to create nirvana for ourselves (see my posts, "Nirvana - It's Right Before Your Eyes," and "You Can Be in Control").

But the reality that we typically experience has been created unconsciously by our ego-mind and its emotions, judgments, cravings, and attachments. And so we live in a state of endless frustration and samsara.

The cornerstone of the serenity prayer, or indeed of any effort to make real progress on the spiritual path—like following the Noble Eightfold Path—is faith and humility. It is faith that allows us to know and believe that if we act on the things we can control, if we create our own reality, we will be ok regardless what happens because we will be at peace. And it is humility that allows us to accept that things are the way they were and are right now because it's just the way it is. And it is only by controlling our ego-mind rather than allowing it to control us, that we are able to have that faith and humility.

Thus, if you want to end your suffering, the focus of your spiritual work should be on freeing yourself from the control of your ego-mind. That is what will open up dharma gates for you, will give you the serenity you need to accept the way things are at the moment, and the courage to change the things you can.

While freeing yourself from the control of the ego-mind is no easy matter—an understatement if ever there was one—the path to do that is clear (see my post, "How to Free Yourself from the Control of Your Ego-Mind").

May you experience peace and happiness.

How to Maintain Joy Regardless What

2/16/2025

Life is full of experiences that have the power to upset us, things that push our buttons. Our reaction can be anything from a whine or mild anger to a full-blown tantrum. The strength of our reaction is a function of how central the feelings evoked by the experience are to our self-esteem, to childhood trauma.

If we are walking the spiritual path, these occurrences interrupt our progress. If the reaction is mild, the effect is not great. But if the reaction is a full-blown tantrum, a melt-down, the reaction can result in a significant if temporary setback of your progress, with your questioning everything from where God is to confusion over what you are doing or anger at what the world is doing to you.

If your reaction is anything close to a melt-down, you have harmed yourself, shaken yourself, by allowing this reaction to occur. I use the word “allowing” because whenever we experience anything, regardless how bad or potentially devastating, we have a choice. We can react through our conditioning, our ego-mind and suffer or we can react through our heart and maintain our peace and happiness.

Assuming that you don’t want to suffer—that is why you’re walking the path—there are steps you can, no must, take to help insure that you never react in a way that causes you to suffer. The purpose of these steps is to maintain your contact with your true Buddha nature/the divinity within you/the child of the universe within you at all times.

Central to experiencing life while maintaining peace and happiness is faith and humility. An ancient Chinese poem says, “When faith and mind are not separate, and not separate mind and faith, this is beyond all words and thought.” It's all about faith and humility. Each of the following steps embodies this teaching.

* Ask your higher power to support your intent to experience all things with dispassion, free of emotion and fear. To support your intent to be free of cravings and attachments. (See my post, “Dispassion - Unlocking the Doors.”)

* Turn your will and your life over to the care of your true Buddha nature/the child of the universe within you. Invite it into your subconscious, ask it to be your subconscious so that you are filled with abundance and light, faith and strength, freedom from fear and humility, and joy, so that you radiate joy and are a light unto yourself and others. (See my post, “Seeking the Guidance from the Buddha/God/the Universe.”)

* Know that things are the way they are because it’s just the way it is; it’s meant to be and it’s all ok. (See my post, “It's Just the Way It Is and It's All OK.”) Helpful to understanding this truth is to focus on eternity, not the here and now, Focus on maintaining your peace, not getting what you want now. (See my post, “Peace - What It Is and How to Achieve It.”)

* Open up your heart to embrace all aspects of your experience—past, present, and future. Then nothing offends and all internal and external struggle ceases. You know you have everything inside yourself to be at peace and happy and will allow nothing to disturb your heart's peace and happiness. (See my post, “The Heart’s Embrace.”)

At all times be grateful and be happy. Be filled with wonder and be happy. Forgive yourself and be happy. Have faith and humility and be happy.

The Fragility of Man

2/3/2025

Man can be very strong—physically, mentally, and spiritually—and likes to think of himself that way. But man is also very fragile. When something happens that knocks us off balance— whether it's a serious illness, a new mental challenge, or a psychological problem—we are often shaken in our sense of sureness. An adult man is not as fragile as a child, but he is not the tower of strength he often thinks he is.

Many, thinking that they themselves are the source of their strength, double down to conquer the challenge and regain their strength. But if man does not look outside himself for support, he will usually not regain his feeling of strength. He may feel his ego is strong, he may in fact be imperious, but his ego is in fact weak and so he remains weak.

And so the only way for man to feel strong and secure in this hostile, ever-changing, world is to connect with and have faith in higher power, the Buddha/god/child of the universe within him. It's not that man does not have to make an effort, but he cannot do it alone.

And amazingly he doesn't even have to conquer the new challenge in order to feel strong again. If he connects with the divinity within him, and turns his will and his life over to its care, saying, "Your will not my mind's," he will be at peace and happy regardless of the situation he finds himself in.

Man did not use to think that he, as an independent agent, could be the master of himself. He may have been taught the wrong impression of what God is—the Old Testament God is dead—but he nevertheless knew that there was a force greater than him, greater than his mind, that played a part in his life.

We now know that God is not some white-haired father figure floating in the universe that directs people's lives and the fate of the world, but rather that god, the essence of divinity, is within each of us. We are born with that essence—or call it Buddha nature, or the child of the universe—within us.

This whole blog is about reconnecting with your heart, with that essence, the person you were when you were born, and so achieve peace and happiness regardless what happens in your life.

When Things Are Not the Way We Want Them To Be

1/26/2025

One of the biggest traps to take you out of your spirituality and peace, back into the control of your ego-mind is when things are not going the way you want them to go in your life. Whether it’s a result of your actions or others’, our tendency is to get upset when things are not the way we want them to be, especially when we feel we have little control over the situation.

In this situation, we ask, “Why?” and we question the Buddha/god/the universe within us and our faith. These are actions guaranteed to escalate our state of upset. And we will suffer.

However, here as always, we have a choice, if only we can access it. The choice is to either let our ego-mind control our reactions to the situation and suffer or put our life in the hands of the Buddha/god/the universe within us and regain our sense of peace and happiness.

But you do have to be able to access it. That means that ideally when something happens, you respond that things are the way they are because it’s just the way it is; it’s meant to be and it’s all ok (see my post, “It’s Just the Way It Is and It’s All OK.”) so that you never go where your ego-mind would take you. If, however, when something happens you don’t focus in that way and your ego-mind takes control, you must stop when you feel yourself getting upset—literally STOP—and then redirect your focus to the fact that things are the way they
are ….

As noted in the post referred to, when you do this you do not say it with resignation, which is not a positive feeling; you say it with faith and are completely released of any feeling of burden at the moment; the moment doesn’t offend you. That’s because you are not trying to change the situation—at that moment—which is an expression of humility.

A complimentary practice to use in connection with this is The Heart’s Embrace. (See the post of that name.) Again, the idea is to be in a space where nothing offends you and so all internal and external struggle ceases.

NOTE: It takes a lot of practice and meditation and prayer to be able to do this. The ego-mind has deep roots in you and is very aggressive; it thinks it knows what’s best for you. Don’t get frustrated if your initial efforts—this can extend for quite some time—fail to break the grip of your ego-mind.